Can't Sit Still

Burning Man 2009

2010-03-28T14:58:00.001-04:00

The starry night sky reluctantly allowed a dilute light to spill over the horizon - we raced on our bikes across the playa toward the wooden temple, eager to get there before liquid gold filled the east. We had spent the entire night dancing to music that shook our bones, and now it was time to salute the sun with thousands of other creative, loving, searching beings who temporarily called Black Rock City home.

I cried upon first seeing the temple - so many feelings coming up at once - the beauty of the structure, the pain of letting go when it would be burned that night, the thousands of prayers written on its wooden walls, the sense of community I felt with others, the loss of loved ones in my life, and the gift of being totally authentic for the past week.

Everyone knows Burning Man is where people go to get high and have sex, right? Well, I'm not saying that's not happening - it is. But it's so much more than that. You can party anywhere. But in my lifetime, I've never been anywhere that so completely allowed the radical self-expression that Burning Man does. There's no money allowed, so a "gift economy" is created. But that doesn't mean people go around saying, "Hey, I'll trade you this box of cookies for that bottle of juice." No, instead, people approach each other knowing that each person is unique, an opportunity to connect and grow. And often once the relationship has been established, one person will "gift" the other with his or her special treasure. One of the best physical gifts I received this year was from a talented electronics artist - he made me a little blinky necklace that responded to different sound frequencies. It made dancing even more fun, and he was uniquely suited to create it.

Even more wonderful though than physical gifts is the way people give of themselves. Since personal transformation is the bedrock of Burning Man, I knew I wanted to open my heart to change, so I wandered over to the "Evolutionary Temple" tent. As I approached, I could hear hundreds of people repeating different affirmations such as "I listen to my intuition even though I sometimes fear it will mean changing my life" and "I forgive my mother for doing too much and not taking care of her own needs." Most of the participants were crying - this work goes so deep. The teacher gives of herself because she knows how powerful and essential it is for us to be ourselves, and she is creating an organization that helps veterans express themselves fully and heal from the wounds they've endured. What an inspiration.

At Burning Man, there are no cars unless they have been "mutated" - meaning that unless you have decorated your vehicle for the purpose of beauty and radical self-expression, (and registered it with the Department of Mutant Vehicles) you can't drive around Black Rock City. That means that 50,000 people are riding around on pimped-out bicycles. The sense of freedom is incredible. And since we've all agreed to be part of the community, there is no theft. I left my wallet, phone and camera in an unlocked bag next to my tent all week with absolutely no problems. This led to so much love and trust for every stranger I encountered during the week.

Many times people will say they're incredibly grateful for an experience they've had. In this case, I can say with no hesitation that I am so grateful for the existence of Black Rock City and the privilege of helping to create the community. I'm inspired to do more and look forward to elevating my contribution in the coming years.

Love, Love, Love
-Harmony

All Dressed Up nominated for Best Soundtrack by Maverick Movie Awards

2009-12-23T17:22:00.003-05:00

Everyone who has seen "All Dressed Up" loves the music. Including the Maverick Movie Awards! Maverick Movie Awards nominated "All Dressed Up" for best soundtrack - congratulations to Jason Rabinowitz, Avi Wisnia, Rebecca Jupiter and contributing musicians Joe Wielgosz and Shir Yaakov for the fantastic tunes!

More info available at Maverick Movie Awards

All Dressed Up a hit at the Valley Film Festival!

2009-10-22T15:02:00.001-04:00

The audience laughed their hearts away as "All Dressed Up" screened in the opening position of the Girls on Film program Friday October 2 at 7:30pm.

All Dressed Up screening at Kodak in Hollywood!

2009-07-16T13:43:00.002-04:00

All Dressed Up screened last night at the plush Eastman Kodak screening room in Hollywood. The event was hosted by Women in Film Independent Film Series.

Attendees loved the film, saying the film is "fabulous" and "made me laugh" and also that Rebecca Jupiter is "a great talent."

Up next: All Dressed Up will screen at the Lady Filmmakers Film Festival in Santa Monica in October. More details to come!

All Dressed Up enjoyed by many at Palm Springs ShortFest film market

2009-06-30T17:29:00.002-04:00

All Dressed Up received a lot of positive responses from viewers in Palm Springs. Thanks to all those who watched!

Some of my favorites from the festival included Cigarette Candy, Brotherhood, Blue-Eyed Mary, Desert Wedding, Stop Requested, The Stars Don't Twinkle in Outer Space, My Four-Inch Precious, Lost Paradise, Multiple Choice and This is Her. If you can catch any of them at other festivals, I highly encourage it! They were all wonderful.

Dances With Films Premiere of All Dressed Up starring Rebecca Jupiter

2009-06-16T03:51:00.002-04:00

Here is a pic of the Q & A after the film.

Dances With Films Opening Night Party - in costume of course!

2009-06-05T03:11:00.003-04:00

I had so much fun meeting the other filmmakers and wearing a beautiful costume! Here are two quick pics - in the background you can see the interviews being done. When I have a link to my interviews I'll share those!

Amazing review on MyDisguises!

2009-05-23T13:25:00.002-04:00

All Dressed Up is so blessed - Manny Mayor of My Disguises has reviewed the film *glowingly*

Please take a look! Click here to go to mydisguises.com.

You'll see some photos of costumes that appear in the film. Fun!

All Dressed Up Trailer is now live

2009-05-16T10:22:00.003-04:00

Watch the trailer here!

If you like it, post your comments on the youtube page and forward to everyone you know!

Tix now available for All Dressed Up premiere!

2009-05-15T01:21:00.006-04:00

http://www.danceswithfilms.com/09_schedule.html

Fusion Shorts Group 1

Monday June 8th at 5pm

$10 before June 4th
$12 after

Can't be there? Consider buying a ticket and donating it back so I can invite industry guests - agents, casting directors, etc.

Thanks!

All Dressed Up World Premiere June 8th at 5pm!

2009-05-12T01:43:00.002-04:00

Come join in the fun and fantasy as quirky Daphne searches for her true love... in costume!

Monday June 8th at 5pm

Dances With Films festival

Sunset Laemmle 5

8000 Sunset Blvd., West Hollywood

Tix available soon at www.danceswithfilms.com

Coming to the premiere in costume is welcome and encouraged!

If you're excited about the film, please join our fan page on Facebook!

All Dressed Up postcard

2009-05-07T03:41:00.005-04:00

The trailer is coming soon!

All Dressed Up has been accepted to its first film festival!

2009-05-04T03:44:00.003-04:00

I'm thrilled and proud that "All Dressed Up" has now been accepted to its very first film festival!

I hope you'll join me in early June in Los Angeles - as soon as I have the confirmation and exact screening date and time I will post it here.

I have also purchased www.alldressedupmovie.com and I am working on the website, trailer and graphics.

The film is now on imdb - just search for All Dressed Up and make sure you look at the one made in 2009 - there was an old film with the same name. It's also easy to reach from my imdb page.

Thank you for the outpouring of love and support - I know that you will enjoy this film! It is funny, uplifting, sweet and unique.

logline: Quirky Daphne's love of costumes gives her another chance at love after a series of hilarious dating disasters.

"All Dressed Up" is ready for festival submissions!

2009-04-18T20:57:00.003-04:00

In case you have just met me or somehow I haven't told you about my film...

I am producing "All Dressed Up" a short (14min) film - a romantic comedy about quirky, slightly neurotic Daphne, who has trouble meeting the right guy until she focuses on her love of dressing up in costume. That's when Mr. Right comes along.

The final cut is done, the dvds are in, and I have already submitted to one festival. More to come.

Hooooraaaay!

Three film roles, update on "Shortened"

2009-03-31T16:54:00.003-04:00

With Pradeep Paga producing, I shot "Struggle" - I played a girl on a blind date with my friend Kevin Ashworth. We met on the internet, and he may have neglected to mention a key piece of information... we go from connecting deeply to me dumping him in a matter of minutes!

With Aaron Sherill producing, I played the mother in flashbacks to the 1970s, complete with Farrah Fawcett hairdo. So much fun.

Then I shot the role of a board member in USC film "Over and Again."

I'll keep you updated on all these films.

As for Shortened, which I shot a while back, Ed Magalong tells me there's a rough cut so things are moving along!

Latest news and projects

2009-02-20T00:51:00.003-05:00

The world is flying by, folks!

I can barely keep up with myself.

On Saturday I shot the role of the mother in "Tunnels" directed by Ryan Ovadia.

On Sunday I helped out on the set of Jonathan Dane's "Just Married (aka Taxes)." - the pic is of him and his "new wife" - Christine Lakin, as well as the director and some other folks.

Today I recorded the vocals for the final song of "All Dressed Up." The track is called Dreamworld, and like most of the score for the film, was composed by Jason Rabinowitz of The Bloodsugars.

Tomorrow I have the first day of shooting for a UCLA project directed by Elizabeth Wallace.

I'll never complain about being busy, but I do think I could use a day off...

ESPN Australian Open spot

2009-01-13T01:41:00.005-05:00

So, my day was actually pretty cool...

I was shooting a commercial for the Australian Open that will be shown on ESPN. They asked me to be their "Russian ballerina" so I was wearing a fluttery skirt doing a lot of leaps and pirouettes and footwork.

One of the most exciting things was that they were shooting on the new "Phantom" camera that shoots hundreds, thousands, even a million frames per second (it depends on the resolution) so the shots looked AMAZING. I hope to put the link on here when the spot is ready. There will also be a fire breather, gymnast, trampolinist and others on the commercial, so it's pretty high-concept.

We were shooting at Quixote Studios next to Griffith Park, which is where they shoot Criminal Minds. Anyone watch that show?

Music Video and Commercial

2009-01-10T04:39:00.002-05:00

Okay, it's 2009 and I'm ready to work!

I just booked a comedic music video "Hey Man" and a commercial for the Australian Open. In the music video, I will play a sexy ringside girl at a boxing match, and in the commercial I will play a Russian ballerina doing a leap.

I hope to share more good news with you soon. In the meantime, I'm interning 2 days a week at a casting agency, and I'm almost finished with my short film "All Dressed Up."

Happy 2009!

Hoping to go to the inauguration

2008-12-30T15:55:00.001-05:00

The Obama campaign asked why I'm excited about the inauguration (in a few words.)

As a Jewish 14 year-old from San Francisco, I flew 3000 miles to attend prep school in New Hampshire on an academic scholarship. I was in a dorm with 33 other girls from all over. The girls I became closest with were all African-American girls from New York City. We understood each other as products of urban, not-so-wealthy neighborhoods. We all took a trip down to Boston to see "Fires in the Mirror" by Anna Deveare Smith. I wished at that moment that race relations in our country could improve, and that we could begin to move on from our past, not by ignoring it, but by changing the future. So I have been so excited about President Obama's potential to begin our healing as a nation. He has many, many gifts, not least of which is his ability to bring people together. Togetherness and dialogue will be our strength.

Latest Projects

2008-12-05T15:31:00.005-05:00

Tomorrow I'll be shooting a short film called "Shortened." I play the main character's boss. Ed Magalong is producing.

I'll also be shooting the pilot of "America's Best Cheerleader" with Apple Cart Productions. Let's hope it gets picked up so you can see me kicking, cheering, cartwheeling and doing the splits!

Visit Apple Cart Productions to see other projects they've done.

On Tuesday I'll be doing a comedic photo shoot of "Strangeness in Suburbia" with Jesse Strigler. I play a dominatrix, people. What could be more fun?

Visit Jesse Strigler's site to see his beautiful photos!

Remembering Papa on World AIDS Day

2008-12-01T01:30:00.002-05:00

I called him Papa.

He was born Floyd Edward Engle in Mount Holly, New Jersey on a dairy farm. That really didn't suit him, so despite being the eldest son, he packed up his stuff at the end of high school and made the trek to New England to enroll at Harvard. Class of '58. The Class. (Erich Segal novel...)

He had a lot of adventures in life before I came along - intelligence work in the Air Force, stationed in Taiwan listening to Chinese radio, traveling the world. He was married before he met my mother.

The truth is, I don't know my father that well. It has been 14 years since he died, and I was only 15 when it happened. I loved him and had a lot in common with him. But one day while I was home on break from Exeter, I got a call from a friend of his. He was very ill in the hospital after an experimental medication. He had AIDS.

What a blow. We had no idea. The questions. If I ever dare to tell anyone that Papa had AIDS, without fail, the first question is "How did he get it?" I have to say, it really pisses me off. Does it matter? I actually don't know the answer. He was a very private person, very steeped in his Presbyterian church dignified ways. So I may never know.

What I do know is that AIDS tears families apart. Losing the father I loved, then growing up without a father is not easy. I still struggle with the feeling that I don't have a real family. (And of course losing Hannah has compounded that problem.) AIDS needs to be stopped.

Laugh in 17 Seconds

2008-11-25T17:58:00.002-05:00

I'm constantly being asked "Are you kosher?"

Here's my answer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XD3NsnAUo44

Let me know what you think! Should I put more comedy clips online?

Last Night

2008-11-23T11:54:00.004-05:00

I ended up at Short Stop in Echo Park with Marissa and a bunch of people I actually knew were there - Shtibl people. And I met someone. Not someone to date, because Wes plays for the other team. But someone who reminded me of some things I should not forget.

I saw him dancing - he looked pretty unique among the crowd of jeans uniform wearers - he had a greenish tinted mohawk and had his baby face painted the way people do at Burning Man. So later when he ended up dancing next to me, we talked and we opened each others' eyes. I told him I liked his style, and and he responded "I'm so horny!" Ok... I can't help you there, not being a guy myself. He asked my name, and figuring he was probably a burner, I told him my Playa name was Harmony, but that my "real" name was Rebecca. He liked that. He said he had always wanted to go to BM but was terrified that if he did, he would realize once and for all that he really isn't unique. I totally disagreed of course - everyone there is unique. We smiled and hugged. He ended up telling me that he is a male prostitute (I wasn't sure whether he meant literally or figuratively) and that he had self-abuse issues. Mmmm, I told him he needs to take better care of himself, love himself, be gentle with himself and know that he is unique and has something special to offer which is his spark. But the funny thing was that before any of that started, when we were just talking about his style, he had said that I looked beautiful because I radiated goodness from the inside and he could just tell from looking at my face that I was a good person.

Burning Man was definitely about creativity for me and thousands of other people, and I have found my creative voice much more since August (the film I'm making is a great example of that.) But even more important to me, I got in touch with my essential goodness on the Playa. And that goodness drives everything that I do in some way or another. Sometimes it can be so hard to be as good as I want to be, because it's not socially correct. It's not socially correct to stand there with a bunch of my Jewish friends talking to a random, costumed gay boy about his issues, but at that moment I felt a lot of compassion and love for him, and I wanted to give him the gift of self-love. Being good is important to me because it is my core. Everything that I do or make as an actress or a filmmaker or anything else comes from that well of goodness inside.

I'm a very sincere and earnest person, and growing up, that was not a good fit for the searing judgments I encountered all around me. But finding a community of non-judgmental, creative souls has opened me up again and allowed me to trust myself. Now when I encounter negativity, I know that it is probably not about me and I don't have to take it to heart just because it's coming in my direction. I can center myself with my own beliefs, my own truth. And I can give to others without needing something back from them, just knowing that it's the right thing to do and that somehow it will seep in and have an effect.

Law & Order, Star-Ving

2008-11-14T18:58:00.002-05:00

I have some small (non-speaking) roles to tell you about!

Law & Order episode 7 - should be coming out in about a month. I played an ADA in arraignment court. I believe the episode is called "Sweetie."

Star-Ving: it's a new web series that you can watch on crackle.com starting in January. I played a banker coming to repo a porn shop from David Faustino and Corin Nemick. Very funny and over-the-top.

So far, LA is good!

Overheard in Park Slope

2008-10-20T14:04:00.002-04:00

guy: I hate it when people put their trash in my trash can!

girl: Yeah, that's really annoying. What are you going to do?

guy: The punishment is, if you put your trash in my can, you have to eat what you threw away.

I'm a film producer!

2008-10-01T13:07:00.002-04:00

How did this happen, people keep asking me...

Well, Burning Man definitely got my creative juices flowing, and I had been sitting on a couple of script ideas, so when I got back, I just sat down to start writing, and - boom - I had a screenplay for an adorable short.

I wasn't sure what to do about it. I'm not a director, nor do I have the remotest understanding of cameras. I started putting out the feelers for a director and cameraman, and after a few almosts, I found an AMAZING director, Jeremy Frindel, and his favorite cameraman, Jai Mitchell. The three of us are really on the same wavelength, so shooting has been a fantastic experience. We still have three of the most important scenes of the film to do, so I'll be in New York for another 3-5 weeks. (I found another sublet in Park Slope for that time.)

I swear people, I *tried* to move to LA!

What's the film about, you ask?

It's the story of a girl who is perfectionist, loves to do everything herself and lives to dress up in costume. Sound familiar? And, yeah, she has trouble meeting the right guy... but then one turns up where she least expects and they hit it off!

I will update you when new developments arise. For now, we are shooting, editing and doing lots of production tasks I didn't know existed!

How to spend your birthday with 50,000 of your closest friends

2008-09-09T19:58:00.004-04:00

Or, my **th birthday on the Playa

This year, anticipating my **th birthday was a bit daunting, to say the least. I just broke up with someone and moved 3000 miles away, so the prospect of spending a landmark birthday with four friends in an unfamiliar city was pretty depressing.

Enter - Burning Man!

Venturing into the unknown, I packed up costumes, toilet paper, dust goggles, glow sticks and A LOT of See's lollipops and prepared to be impressed.

I was.

The playa was a carnival of beautiful people in creative, sexy costumes; tents under which to escape the midday sun; amazing music that moved me all night long; sunrises at Opulent Temple... but I digress.

My birthday.
Well, I was still awake at midnight of the 28th, dancing my little booty off in fairy garb at OT. I stayed there til about 7am, then grabbed a "yellow bike" - they're actually green, and available for anyone to use, if you can find one with both tires inflated, still possessing its chain and both pedals. (The one I found was actually missing a pedal, but I just hooked the crook of my boot onto the metal rod and made do) I rode across the playa, letting the breeze stroke my newly birthed skin.

Took a 2-hour nap (the only sleep of the day), then got ready for the day: massage at Cock'n'Waffles. Two massage therapists and a *very* adorable Reiki healer I had met the day before at a party worked on me. Yum. Don't mind the bruises on my a$$ - I'm as delicate as the princess and the pea, and we all know it.

Truth Ruth brought me waffle while I waited, and some cute boy brought me watermelon to cool me down. I noticed a gorgeous naked guy walking by, and pointed him out to TR. Yes, he's cute, she said, but gay. I wasn't so sure. Five minutes later, he walks into the tent, sits down next to me and starts chatting me up. I look over at TR. wink. A spot opens up on the hammock next to us, and he asks me to join him. Would I like a foot rub while we wait? (These massages were popular, people - the line was hours long) Um, sure. Oh, it's your birthday? Would you like me to wash your hair later? Um, yes, that would be kinda hot.

Hair washed, feet rubbed, body kneaded and energetically balanced, I grabbed Spike and Karol, and we headed to The Deep End for some afternoon dancing. I changed out of my nipple tape and into a little dominatrix outfit - purple bustier and black boy shorts with knee-high boots. Along the way, we ran into Danny Greene who helped us celebrate, then helped lead Shabbat services back at Sukkat Shalom.

Jade Netanya, Shuli, Avi W. and all kinds of wonderful people showed up for services, which were super fun and creative. Then a little brigade of friends went off in search of birthday adventure. Everywhere we went, Rachel, Tamuz, Avi and Spike would yell "it's her birthday" and people would scream and hug me and sing. So much fun.

First stop, Thunderdome. Spike and Snow White wanted to go at it with an audience. Too bad it was closed. But hey, we don't need things to be open! We did it ourselves. Avi announced and I tried to rile up the crowd. Eventually the Death Guild people shut us down, but we'd already had our dusty fun at that point - we were satiated.

We had some party favors we needed to divide up so we wandered into a random camp and made ourselves comfortable on the couches. One of the camp's residents, a hot Brazilian, came over and sat with us, then invited us into his trailer where we got to know each other a bit. Then we all went to the Hookahdome for some hot dancing. (Thank you Avi and Tamuz for proving that sexuality is indeed on a spectrum. You should have seen those two go at it on the sand.)

Next stop - Opulent Temple, where we danced until 9:45am. Ran into Bronya, Julia, Dan and Charlie, who were a super fun addition to the birthday party. I got some birthday kisses from my new friend, and we danced until the sun came up and it got too hot to stay outside!

Thank you, playa, for the best birthday ever.

Harmony on the Playa

2008-09-05T14:46:00.002-04:00

Before heading to Burning Man this year for the first time, I thought about whether to choose a "Playa name" - what would it be? Should it be a description of how I am, like "Neurotic", "Chaos", "Buzz Fairy"?

On the phone with a seasoned Burner, he told me that he had chosen a name that would be a mantra - every time he said it, it would remind him what he was striving for. (I won't divulge his real or Playa name here in case he doesn't want it revealed.) So, I decided to give some thought to what I am trying to achieve here on this earth...

Harmony.

It was so lovely, because every time I said the name, I got more comfortable with it, and right from the beginning, people said that it suited me perfectly. This definitely came as a surprise since I have many times been accused of being quite difficult and unharmonious.

Now that I am back, I feel almost like I am lying when I tell people my name is Rebecca! It doesn't feel like the whole story.

Mindful Breakfast on the Roof

2008-07-30T07:32:00.003-04:00

This morning I woke up much earlier than usual, so I took my sunrise breakfast up to the roof, where I discovered my neighbor playing the sur bahar. Faint stringed stylings from three or four roofs over...

I ate each bite slowly, mindfully; smiling at my food as it became part of me. I have just finished a introductory series on ayurvedic nutrition, and I am learning "self-realization meditation," in which you seek to understand each organ, each cell in your body to know what it needs.

I feel so blessed to have a roof in Park Slope where I can see the treetops, the water, the church towers, and most importantly, where I can be with myself.

LA, New York, LA, New York, LA

2008-07-15T11:42:00.002-04:00

Well, this blog is called Can't Sit Still, and that is no joke.

On Tuesday I am flying *back* to LA to film 7 episodes of a web series I just got cast in. Obviously, I'm really excited about that. And I'll be hanging out with Chana Rothman at her show on the 26th, doing a little duet to punctuate the trip.

Then I'll be back in New York for another two weeks before heading out to LA for a month, then two weeks in New York at the end of September at which point I guess I will be a real Californian after 8 years here.

Honestly, I am scared and anxious in addition to all the fun and excitement.

Getting what you want always comes at some kind of a cost. I already had to let go of Joe, and now I am letting go of close friends, biking around Park Slope, knowing the best way to get everywhere in this crazy city, security, a job... the list goes on. It's definitely harder than it was to move here, which just kind of happened with no real forethought.

Control, or the lack thereof

2008-06-25T20:35:00.002-04:00

Perhaps I should be embarrassed to say this (well, I am, so there's really no perhaps) but I am reading Eat Pray Love and finding some actual insight.

If you haven't read the book, it is a memoir of a woman's journey to three different places: Italy, India and Bali.

In Italy, this woman was really annoying me, and I would have stopped reading the book but the whole point was to see what all the fuss was about and my lovely friend Liz loaned me the book, so I persisted.

It started to pay off when she got to India, where she spent six weeks in an ashram. This is actually something I have considered doing and may still do, so it's quite interesting for me to read about what happened to her there. And she and I have a bit in common - she went through a nasty divorce (which sounds much, much worse than mine) and then a heartbreaking relationship right after that (double check). And what her friend tells her is basically that she is bending herself all out of shape to try to control everything, and not admitting that she just can't control it. And that the energy she puts into trying to control it is ruining her life and blocking her ability to find God.

I am a control freak. Everyone knows this about me (please don't put in the comments that you agree. It's painful enough.) But what I have started to learn, first at the meditation retreat back in October with Thich Nhat Hanh, then with the couples therapist, is that I cannot control everything. All my responses to this breakup with Joe have been about control. I don't want the breakup to happen, so I will bend and twist and change to please him. I don't want to be sad about the breakup, so I will be angry and pretend I don't care that much. I don't want to have this heartache happen again so I will dump the next guy who comes along as soon as anything goes wrong. Let's be honest, these all work up to a certain point, but there is no controlling life and the relationships that we all crave. So I am letting go more, relaxing into the situation I'm in. Joe didn't want me, and I am probably better off without him, but it still hurts. And someday, it will not hurt anymore because time goes by, and I don't think about the other relationships in my life that have not worked out. And I can't make it hurt less by trying to control it.

So I am breathing.

I am living in the present moment.

And I am slowly starting to feel ok.

Things People Say When They Mean Well

2008-06-23T16:36:00.002-04:00

But that, let's face it, hurt anyway.

1. Friend who means well 1: Are you engaged?
Me: Umm, no, we broke up.
FWMW1: Oh, I guess that's why you don't ask people whether they're engaged.

2. FWMW2: Why is there an empty chair next to you?
Me: I rsvp'ed with Joe, but then we broke up since then.
FWMW2: Oh. Sorry!

3. etcetera...

Pilot and Voice-Over

2008-06-22T21:37:00.002-04:00

This week I did a teeny tiny (read: non-speaking) role in a pilot that hopefully will get picked up this fall. If it does, I will tell you when to look for me.

And I did my fist voice-over! It was kind of a strange thing, like acting over the telephone, but it was neat to get sort of blockaded into this soundproof room with the Sennheiser microphone and do accents and whatnot. The film is Homeward Bound by Robert Duncan. I did a lead role in another film of his a while back, which hasn't been released yet (hoping for end of August.)

Math...and seduction?

2008-06-18T00:10:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I shot a film. I played a math teacher who seduces her student. I'm happy to report that the second half of that statement is much further from the truth than the first half!

As many of you know, I am actually a tutor for math (and chemistry and French). But I don't usually let my hair down and unbutton my shirt.

In the film, Miss Math is teaching away about simultaneous equations, and the student is so bored that he begins to fantasize that his teacher is seducing him, throwing the papers and pencils aside, letting her hair down and strip-teasing!

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

2008-06-13T10:10:00.002-04:00

I do.

Well, I want to be on the show...

Yesterday I took the written test for the show and passed! I was pretty proud of myself because in the whole cafeteria of people taking the test, only six or seven other people got called. Some of the questions were pretty hard!

They took a Polaroid photo of me, which they affixed to my application.

I had a short interview and they sent me out saying, we'll call you in a few weeks. I'll keep you posted.

The Plan is Always Changing

2008-06-11T15:11:00.002-04:00

Most recent developments:

I am now a resident of Park Slope after 8 years as a committed Manhattan gal. I love Park Slope - it's the closest thing to Prenzlauer Berg you can get outside of Berlin.

Postponing Eastern Europe a bit. Been getting a lot of tv work and I want to see where I can go with that before I skip town again.

Things are over with Joe. The answer is Yes; you can set me up with your cute cousin/nephew/friend from prep school.

My Plan

2008-04-22T13:29:00.002-04:00

My current thinking...

Performing "Bella's Dream" made me realize how badly I want to know my family's history and therefore I have decided to spend some time this summer visiting the towns where my family comes from in Poland and Belarus.

After that I'm planning to study at Pardes for one of the summer sessions, and possibly visit Turkey, one of my fantasy travel destinations, before heading out west to make a name for myself in La-La Land.

Silent Huddle

2008-04-17T15:04:00.002-04:00

A group of Jewish women had been rounded up from the town. A bucket near the border crossing had a sign in German that said "put a contribution in or we'll shoot the women." The guards took the money and shot all the women anyway. That is how Bella and Raymond crossed the border. (This text loosely based on Dana's words in the play.)

"Bella's Dream" in Baltimore

2008-04-17T14:51:00.002-04:00

Last night I performed "Bella's Dream" by Dana Boll in Baltimore.

The show is about Dana's grandparents, Bella and Raymond, who left Gabin, Poland in the late 30s, escaped to Russia, were interned in a work camp about Siberia, made their way on a cattle car through Uzbekistan and eventually settled in New Jersey.

The script and choreography beautifully told the story of these exceptional people and of Dana's journey to understand and remember them.

Here are a few photos of our work.

The dancers are Dana Boll, Lisa Hokans, Grace Ann Dorse, Heather Bloch, Dawn Trautman and myself (Rebecca Jupiter.)

A Day in the Life - My First LA Film Gig!

2008-03-21T10:53:00.004-04:00

Last weekend I spent three days on the set of "A Day in the Life." It's a short film produced by Green Ambassadors, a cute, campy comedy about a day in the life of a typical American family. Each scene consists of the unreflective choice and the green choice we could make to replace it.

It was such a treat to be silly, funny and quirky on set.

The film will be shown at the LA Convention Center in April and at an environmental festival and various schools. Once I have the dvd, maybe I'll have my own screening for those who want to see it!

Hannah Engle Memorial Lecture

2008-03-06T14:01:00.003-05:00

On Tuesday, NYU Wagner hosted the Second Annual Hannah Engle Memorial Lecture. I gave the following remarks about Hannah.

Hannah Beth Engle was born on November 6, 1980. She weighed nine pounds, fourteen ounces. This is pretty heavy for a baby, and I had been almost as heavy, and as children, we were so embarrassed about being fat babies, but the older we got, the more we relished those birth weights for the reliable shocks they produced in anyone we told. As an adult, Hannah loved that the chubby baby she had been had grown into a beautiful woman. She loved to surprise people with her unique blend of seeming contradictions.

Hannah stood out in a crowd – tall, blonde and poised. And that was part of her charm. But good looks will only get you so far, and Hannah didn’t rely on them. She was smart, hard-working, committed and innovative. After taking a meaningful trip to Eastern Europe, she defied expectations by raising $50,000 to take ten other UCLA on a similar trip the next year. These trailblazers led seders in Russia and the Ukraine and brought fresh blood to a Jewishly anemic corner of the diaspora. Hannah lived her philosophy of Jewish communal service in her personal life.

A lot of people who lose siblings find that they become more like their sibling after their death. In the past two years, I have definitely followed Hannah’s lead – both deliberately and unconsciously. One thing that’s happened is that I have made an effort to become the organized person she was.

Hannah didn’t wallow in perfectionism. She analyzed a project, determined what could be simplified and then set to work on her tasks. She was famous for finding time to make Shabbat dinner for 12 people despite being in grad school and working almost full time. (And working out.) I remember once coming over on a Friday afternoon before services to help her put the finishing touches on her apartment before dinner – I came across a to-do list for that week that planned out what and when she had to do things. One of the things on her grocery list was a package of pre-grated cheese. A food snob and obsessive homemade warrior, I turned up my nose at the idea of pre-grated cheese. (In fact, I didn’t even know they made it until I saw it on her list!) That list has stuck in my mind, because Hannah’s efficiency wasn’t borne out of a desire to be the best at anything, or to impress people. She had goals, and she wanted to accomplish them.

One of Hannah’s most important goals outside of her professional life was to weave a community for herself. When I was 15 and Hannah was 13, our father, our Papa, died of AIDS. I had already left for prep school two years earlier, and I think that was probably about the time that Hannah started taking community-building seriously for herself. I will never forget hearing her say “your friends are your family, Rebecca.” She used pre-grated cheese so that she could spend those 30 minutes with the people she loved at dinner instead of obsessing over the perfect quiche.

Even people who did not know Hannah well were touched by her – some even after her death. I mourn Hannah’s loss every day, but I do know that the person I lost was a treasure to so many people and a true inspiration. I still meet people all the time who knew her in some tangential way and miss her presence on this earth. There is no doubt that the 500 people at her funeral ached to know she was gone too young.

When Hannah was little, I used to tease her that she looked like a boy. Our parents liked to dress us in matching clothes like twins, which drove me crazy because I just wanted to be an individual. But of course as we got to be adults, looking alike became fun. We reveled in the attention, and truly cherished our unique relationship. Long before Hannah died, she became one of the first things I thanked God for in my daily prayers. I knew what I had, and having lost Papa, I knew to be thankful for it.

During the course of the past two years, I have gone through many different philosophies in an attempt to understand Hannah’s death. There were times when I thought that her death represented a veering off-course of this world, signaling that we are doing something wrong. There have been times when I wondered whether life is totally random. Perhaps Hannah’s death was fated or ordained by God for some purpose. None of these explanations has held up under scrutiny. What I do believe is that each of us is here on this earth to do something. Sometimes our grief blocks us. When we are sad, we must sit with that sadness and express it to the people we trust. Hannah’s death created an enormous amount of sadness. But it also spurred an urgency in many people including myself, to make a meaningful life that is unique to our gifts and strengths. To honor Hannah’s life, we must become more fully ourselves.

Goodbye Ian

2008-02-14T11:32:00.002-05:00

Last night Julia took me to hear her friend's band play at the Troubadour here in LA.

I had just gotten off a seemingly endless flight from New York, and for me it was already 1:45 am, so going out wasn't exactly first on my list of things to do, but I figured, I'm in LA to figure out whether I want to live here, so I should try everything, right?

Goodbye Ian was fantastic. There's Doug, the lead singer, an exuberant golden boy. He plays the keyboard and the guitar, although this was stifled somewhat at his announcement that the day before, he had fallen off his skateboard. There's a blissed-out singer (Kerstin?) who also plays electric cello. Another singer/keyboardist/accordian player, a fantastic drummer, a very skilled violinist and an affable bassist.

The music is danceable, the lyrics clever and un-self-conscious.

Definitely check them out if you can!

As I watched the lead singer hop and dance around the stage, I thought to myself - that's what I need to do more of - be free and fearless and musical. That's what ease with oneself an actor needs. Turns out he IS an actor - he's the son on "Big Love."

And that's LA.

Fess up, RC

2008-02-13T12:47:00.002-05:00

Remember when you were a little kid and you did something wrong, and then before you knew what was happening, someone caught you? You started to equivocate, tell little white lies, split hairs, change your story. The most obvious thing about your guilt was the way you squirmed in your chair, and your voice went all over the place looking for the exit.

We all know that exit is the truth. The only way to get out of the situation you were in was to accept that you were going to be punished, and then be brave and admit it.

It is really pathetic watching Roger Clemens act like a befuddled little five year-old in front of the Congressional Committee. His guilt is written all over his Good-Old-Boy retellings.

Obama after all

2008-02-07T12:39:00.000-05:00

Until the last few hours before the New York primary, I was on the fence. I love Hillary Clinton. I think she's a brilliant, powerful, determined, admirable woman. I think she would make an excellent President. All this false debate about whether she is for change? She has been making important changes in the Senate since she was elected, and before that, she was a pioneer since her early years in college and law school. Her problem is that she's a woman in an extremely misogynist culture. There are countries that we high-minded Americans like to think of as the "third world" where a woman has already held the highest office in the land. But as soon as Hillary wielded the tiniest bit of power alongside Bill, detractors set to work undermining her - the hairstyles, the baking. I'm sure it goes without saying that those things would NEVER have come up if she were male.

So why did I vote for Barack Obama? Unlike all my misty-eyed friends (and I do love you all) I don't actually *like* him that much. He's kind of cocky. But let's face it, he does not inspire the antipathy that Hillary does. The "vast right-wing conspiracy" is no joke - they hate her and they would mortgage their houses to see her go down. Because hating powerful women is still ok, even though we've figured out that racism is wrong.

I look forward to the first Black President. I look forward to the first woman President. I look forward to a time in our country when we will actually be able to tackle the issues that plague us. I voted for Barack in the primary, and I'll vote for either one of them in November. And hopefully we will stop the shameful backslide to the dark ages we've experienced in the last seven years.

Papercut in Memory of Hannah

2008-02-06T11:35:00.000-05:00

I made this papercut in memory of Hannah. It's her Hebrew name in the center with a pomegranate below, representing the vast kernels of her diverse soul. And of course vines of life everywhere.

leaving for LA

2008-02-04T09:55:00.000-05:00

I've been talking about moving to LA since college, so it might have seemed like an inevitability, but every time I go anywhere, I think I want to move there. (I'm suggestible, would probably be the polite term for my fickle geographical commitments.)

When I got back from Europe and Africa last summer, I didn't think I wanted to live in New York anymore. I had fallen in love in Croatia, wanted to settle down in Berlin or Budapest...I didn't know what was good for me, and I wandered about. Pretty soon after returning home to New York, I met Joe. Then, this past December we traveled to Berlin together and my longings started all over again. I talked his ear off about how badly I wanted to move there. And when we got back to New York, I realized: my love affair is not yet over, I will probably always love New York, but it's time for me to try something new.

This is so difficult. I am leaving an amazing community of friends and the whole life I have built in the last 8 years. But I have to see what is waiting for me in LA - will I be happier there? I hope so.

Atonement

2008-01-28T16:55:00.000-05:00

I saw the film last night. Read the book beforehand.

First of all, I thought the film was basically a good adaptation of the book. The screenplay is pretty tight, the acting is good, they certainly pulled out all the stops with cinematography, sets, costumes, locations, etc.

Briony feels that she is really the one who has kept Cecilia and Robbie apart. I agree - what she did was certainly wrong and the class-based society that assumes Robbie is guilty is problematic. But what I felt more than anything was how war destroys everyone's life. I am used to examining World War II in the context of the Holocaust and how it affected Jews. But this film really shows how deeply affected the British were by the war, how devastating it was not only for soldiers who saw and experienced horrific deaths, injuries and conditions, and also for the nurses who cleaned it all up and put on a calm, collected air in the face of things they had never imagined. And the average citizen, evacuated, or worse, bombed in London.

The word tragedy has become so commonplace, but the more I learn about war, the more I believe it is a tragedy made up of millions of individually tragic stories. Sometimes we only value the worst tragedies, so we focus on the most extreme things we have heard of, but a great love torn apart by war is indeed a tragedy whose importance should not be diminished. I believe that love is the most important thing in this world.

Hannah's Second Yartzheit

2008-01-22T17:10:00.000-05:00

It's still so hard to believe that Hannah has a yartzheit.

I have so many questions, many of which will never be answered. Why did this happen? Will I be able to survive life without her? Is there any meaning to life, does everything turn out for the best?

The pain of missing Hannah definitely ebbs and flows now that it has been a while. When she first died, I remember feeling so much pain, everything set me off. Every time the train pulled into the 96th Street station where we would always meet up to go downtown, I would burst into tears. I go there every day, so that pain has diminished. Or at least I had thought so. The other day, I was huddled into my puffy coat (really Hannah's) and the train pulled into the station, and I realized, I'm in as much pain now as I ever was. I miss her from a place in my chest that contracts in agony thinking about her. It's just that the novelty has worn off. There's nothing new or interesting about my pain now. It's repetitive. I miss her. Why did this happen? 25 years old. No meaning, no purpose, no sense. The obvious swirls around me, and others don't know what to say in response, so I've pretty much stopped saying it. But it doesn't change the pain. In fact, as anyone knows who keeps something inside, it probably hurts more now.

After that initial month, I had the briefest sense of relief. I had survived Shloshim. I began putting on makeup again, shaved my legs. I would be ok. Then my mind finally recognized reality: Hannah would not be coming back. My month of agony wasn't a penance that would allow her to return. In fact, her death wasn't personal. She didn't die as a punishment for me - if so, how to explain the pain everyone else felt? I couldn't find any reason to explain her death. And I began to live in a new world. An irrational world with no explanations, no answers and no peace. When Hannah had been alive, even if we were in a fight, we would still say we loved each other before we went to bed or got off the phone or said goodbye. We knew from losing Papa suddenly that you don't always get a second chance to say something, and that pride was no reason to spend a lifetime regretting something. And now the precious treasure I thanked God for in every Amidah was gone.

I wish I had some brilliant understanding of Hannah's life and death. Unfortunately what I feel more than anything is a vast desert around me, with mirages of happiness that don't seem meant for me. And the bubbly, no-nonsense girl who wowed everyone with her varied spectrum of talents, interests, wisdom and beauty? She's a story, a word that makes normal people hush in discomfort. In an instant, the Hannah who cultivated joy and decisiveness became a reason for sadness and questioning.

Boo-hoo! Writers strike cancels Golden Globes

2008-01-13T22:00:00.000-05:00

But the upside is I won't be staying up all night waiting to hear which film won Best Drama. (I'm still reading the book so I can't see Keira's wet body yet!)

Shooting Open/Shut - my latest film

2008-01-11T10:05:00.000-05:00

I am working on "Open/Shut" by the Italian director Fabrizio Schepisi. It's a great opportunity for me and very close to my heart because I play a character whose older brother has died in a plane crash. It's an emotional challenge but extremely rewarding and important. My younger brother is played by Alex Jacovelli. Hopefully I'll have some shoot stills soon!

Kevin Kline's Makeup Chair

2008-01-06T12:11:00.000-05:00

Last night we went to see the penultimate performance of Cyrano de Bergerac with Kevin Kline in the title role. Not surprisingly, he was excellent. His movements were as agile as his speech. An unbeatable swordfighter and a poet.

The theme of honor ran through the play - first, the "fop" from Scene 1 would rather duel with Cyrano than lose face after being criticized by him. Later, Cyrano doesn't tell Roxane that he was writing Christian's letters because he doesn't want to spoil the idea she had of her perfect husband. Roxane herself clings to honor as she mourns her unconsummated marriage for the next 15 years after Christian's death. Understandably, her chaste life in a convent was snipped from the Steve Martin version we all enjoyed years ago.

When someone we love dearly dies, it can be so hard to reintegrate. The romance of loving a dead person is so unmarred. It's the gritty annoyances of daily life with our living loved ones that grounds us in reality and keeps us from idealizing them. There is a certain kind of honor associated with putting a deceased person on a pedestal - not wanting to speak ill of the dead, for example.

But the honor Cyrano's contemporaries felt was more the kind of honor that Dinah's brothers used to justify killing the men who raped her, or the "honor killings" in the Islamic world. This seems to me a far cry from the natural state of things.

I prefer the honorable nature that Kevin Kline demonstrated after the curtain call: A member of the cast had lost everything during the week to a disastrous fire, so to help recover the costs, Kevin auctioned off his makeup chair, which the whole cast signed onstage, to the highest bidder - $3000.

How to Speak Woman a success!

2007-12-24T10:33:00.000-05:00

On Saturday and Sunday my cast did a great job performing "How to Speak Woman." The Sunday performance was particularly fun. The audience loved it and we all went out afterwards to celebrate. It was such a pleasure to work with professional, talented, positive people!

On another note, please accept my apologies - "Sleeping Handsome" has been cancelled.

in Berlin

2007-12-12T08:05:00.001-05:00

Already there's so much to say...
I'm here in Berlin, one of my favorite cities ever. I was here in August of 2006 on my "world tour" - 10 weeks in Africa and Central Europe - and now I am back. But this time I am doing a program called "Young American Jews Meet Modern Germany" which will soon be renamed "Germany Up Close." It is run by Dr. Dagmar Pruin, a theologian and fascinating woman who is a professor at Humboldt University here in Berlin. (Not the one in California, although that one is named after the same person.)

Anyway, the focus of this trip is Jewish life in Germany in the present, and in order to understand the full scope, we have been learning about history and visiting many memorials and historical sites. I'm fascinated, just devouring every tour guide and German greeter we meet with questions and discussion. (Surprise, I'm curious.)

We met with Karsten Voigt at the Federal Foreign Office - he has a fascinating history of nurturing the Jewish voice in Germany as he believes that the first Jews to be killed in the Nazi regime were really the most advanced socio-political thinkers of the day and the Jewish community is inherently aligned with his political views. Jews have been living in what is now Germany since the time of the Roman Empire - as long as the Germanic tribes, so the history is inextricably linked.

We attended a very full lecture by Peter Berger at the Friedrich Ebert Stiftung on the connections between relativism and fundamentalism - that these are two parallel responses to the challenges of modernity, and that both are detrimental to social order.

Visiting the Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe was interesting and moving for me despite the fact that I had been there on my previous visit to Berlin. I had many new thoughts and questions. The main thing that came to mind was the "frog in the pot" idea - that little by little the heat is turned up and the frog ends up boiling to death, trying to acclimate at each juncture. Jews tried to accept the civil rights abuses, then the human rights abuses and were finally killed by the Nazis. We can't wait until people are being shot or gassed to react. As is written on a plaque in Bebelplatz, where 20-50,000 books were burned, societies that first begin by burning books later burn people. So true in the case of the Nazis. The memorial itself drives this point home through symbolism - the pillars begin at ground level on the edge of the space but if you walk toward the center, the ground keeps changing and you're eventually surrounded by huge pillars that are two or three times your height. It feels scary and unknown in there, as if you are hiding, hearing the sounds of others but rarely seeing them. As Joe pointed out, you can't fit other than in single file, so you are alone. By not being able to band together, you lose a lot of power, and this is what regimes like the Nazis want.

Lejb Langfus wrote in 1944 that Jewish women on the horribly cramped cattle cars to the camps exchanged their wedding rings for a sip of water...they were so desperate! I thought of Esau in Genesis and how he sold his birthright to Jacob for a hot meal - he said "what use in the birthright to me when I am on the point of death?" This is always read as Esau "spurning" the birthright but if we consider the desperation a person feels when starved, perhaps there is another way to look at his situation and Jacob should have taken the high road.

This morning we visited the Wannsee House where the conference of high-ranking officials took place to plan the Final Solution on 20 January 1942. Our guide, Elke Gryglevski, lived in Israel as a volunteer in teh Action Reconciliation Services for Peace, which helps countries that were negatively affected by the Nazi regime. There is a much stronger relationship between Israel and Germany than I was previously aware of.

We also visited Mahnmal Gleis 17, where Jews were carted off to the camps from the Grunewald train station - just a few feet from the nearest house. In fact, this neighborhood was 40% Jewish before the war. The memorial was beautifully symbolic of the weakening of society when some elements are removed - it was a cement wall with human body shapes hollowed out. People just disappeared, dropped off the face of the earth when they were taken away to the camps.

I'm directing a show!

2007-12-04T16:41:00.000-05:00

I am directing "How to Speak Woman" by Ray Payton, produced by Theatervision/Playtime. It will perform at the National Comedy Theater on December 22 and 23 at 5pm.

It's really exciting because I have put together a great cast - Alex Rascovar, Julia Wolfermann, Hermann Eppert and Kristen Abate. Van Truster is assistant directing.

"How to Speak Woman" is the story of David, a lovably clueless guy who gets dumped by Tabitha and learns from a mysterious man named Grayson how to have a happy relationship with Debbie.

It's exciting to be on the other side of the script, but don't worry - I'm not done acting. On December 27, my other show, Sleeping Handsome, goes up at Nicu's Spoon Theater.

For tickets to "How to Speak Woman" please visit http://www.ovationtix.com/trs/cal/167

For tickets to "Sleeping Handsome" please email info@spoontheater.org

Hope to see you at the theaters!

Sleeping Handsome

2007-11-12T15:13:00.000-05:00

I've been cast as Morgan, the evil princess witch in "Sleeping Handsome" at Nicu's Spoon Theater on 38th Street. The show is really fun, the script is very funny, and the cast is great. I hope to see you all December 27-January 5! I will put the details on my acting website soon.

Blue Cliff Monastery

2007-10-17T15:09:00.000-04:00

I spent the last five days doing sitting and walking meditation, listening to dharma talks with Thich Nhat Hanh and learning from the monks and nuns of Blue Cliff, Deer Park and Plum Village Monasteries.

This experience was so powerful. I resisted it for the first 24 hours or so - too much to do at home, didn't like the cold weather in my tent and so much outdoor time (sitting meditation, dharma talks, meals - all outside in very chilly climes). At my first "dharma sharing group" I debated in my mind whether to share that I was actually not having a very good time. Most of the people in my group were feeling blissful, peaceful, grateful to be there, and I felt like a nasty grump for wishing things were different. I thought to myself, why bother telling these people how I feel? They won't understand and they will just think that I am a complainer; someone who only focusses on the negative. But I figured, I can say it for myself, and for anyone who might be too shy to say what they really think. And through my honesty, I learned something. I began to feel hopeful that I had the potential to make a true change in myself.

In "touching the earth" I learned from Sister Chun Khong about the qualities we inherit from our ancestors, and how we must acknowledge both the positive and the negative. I realized that I have never dealt with my relationship with my father since the day he died - I pretty much locked it away and assumed that since he was dead, my relationship with him was over. But I learned that Papa is not really dead. He is manifesting himself differently now. So I must explore the spectrum of him. I can thank him for the wonderful gifts he has given me and pour the negatives into the earth to purify myself.

Imagining that Hannah is not dead, but is now a different manifestation of herself is a challenging but somewhat liberating notion. I may discover new things about Hannah even though I can no longer speak to her and sit with her the way I used to. I am thinking a lot about the elements that came together to produce Hannah and where those elements are now that she has changed manifestations. This doesn't mean I am not devastated to have lost her physical manifestation, nor that I am not questioning why it had to happen. But I am open to a new phase in my life, that I have not chosen but is nevertheless my reality.

Show's over, folks

2007-10-07T10:53:00.000-04:00

Thank you to all the people who came to see my show. You're out of the closet now!

Joe, Ryan, Amy, Alexandra and Ira, Amelie, Hilla and Asaf. You guys are awesome!

Hope to see you offstage soon.

Only One More Performance!

2007-10-04T13:54:00.001-04:00

The show opened last night and I had a few friends in the audience. It went really well. Come see it Friday or Saturday at 9pm!

Manhattan Repertory Theatre
303 West 42nd St 3rd Floor
Reservations (646) 329-6588
$20

On the Set of "The Electra Complex"

2007-09-26T23:17:00.001-04:00

I'm playing Martha Freud - here are some pics of the shoot!

Posing with "Richard"

2007-09-26T23:10:00.001-04:00

The Electra Complex

2007-09-23T20:08:00.000-04:00

I'm shooting a film! It's called "The Electra Complex" and I play Martha Freud, a modern reimagining of the famous analyst's wife. I'm super excited!

The Emmys

2007-09-16T20:28:00.000-04:00

The Quick and Dirty:
Elizabeth Perkins should have won.
I would love to see the backstage fight between Ryan and Paula after his weed gaffe!
Patricia Heaton is gorgeous, and she's one of my idols.
Katherine Heigl IS funny! And her mom is adorable.
The Late Night with Conan O'Brien people are so clever and so in the moment.
It's lame that they censored Sally Field's war comment, but of course it's Fox.
The Sopranos are right: this country is run by gangsters.

Six Years Today

2007-09-11T10:09:00.000-04:00

Perhaps September 11, 2001 is like our generation's JFK assassination. "Where were you when the towers were hi,?" New Yorkers sometimes ask each other. Of course I remember exactly where I was when I heard, exactly what I thought, exactly what I did afterwards. Now it has been six years.

As I watched a couple hours of the name reading today, my heart went out to the thousands of families of the victims. Some of them seemed as pained as ever. Of course, I know what it is like to lose someone to a senseless tragedy. On a day like today, Hannah is such a part of my thoughts that I almost don't feel alone. Her death, her absence are weights I wear as I wade through the day. Gray skies reinforce the sobriety of the day.

As I'm sure the September 11th families feel of their lost ones, every new experience is a question for me - what would Hannah have thought about this? What would she have said? When I see a movie, I wish I could call her up to discuss it. When I'm excited, my first thought is still to call her to share. When I have a few extra minutes on the upper west side, my reflex is still to ask her if she wants to meet me at the Starbucks on 93rd Street. I don't cry every day anymore, but on some level I think I will never completely accept or understand that Hannah is gone. It doesn't seem possible, it doesn't seem right and it doesn't seem to serve any purpose.

From Forgiveness to Lord of the Flies...

2007-09-09T14:51:00.000-04:00

Last night, I went to hear Susannah Heschel speak at BJ. She is a professor at Dartmouth and the daughter of the late Abraham Joshua Heschel, a pioneer of Jewish thought. One of his famous phrases was to "pray with your feet" - meaning to march in Selma with MLK.

The talk by SH was on the topic of forgiveness, since Yom Kippur is rapidly approaching. She began by saying that she feels allergic to the word forgiveness as our society understands it - all the swallowing of anger, the false "I forgive you"s that are thrown around. I tend to agree with this - I can forgive someone if they are very sincere about making amends and committing to change for the future. Repeatedly accepting someone's apology while they continue to wrong you isn't forgiveness - it's stupidity and self-abuse.

The next point she made was about forgiveness as it is misunderstood - when it is really understanding (as in the case of an abusive parent who turned out himself to have been abused, so the child understands and "forgives" them for doing it.) I agreed that in a way it's not possible to forgive because the circumstances are complicated by extenuating circumstance. But what I think is that at a certain point in our adult lives, we have to examine the experiences we had and ask ourselves how long we will make that our excuse for the way we are now. We can spend the rest of our lives bemoaning the hand we were dealt, or we can decide to make a new start. For some, this is a change of attitude. For others, this means psychotherapy. But for all, it is taking adult responsibility.

Finally, Prof. Heschel made the case for "being a busybody," by which she meant interfering and getting involved when you think you can help people resolve their disputes. In our culture, we are often told to "mind our own beeswax." But the truth is that from the highest levels, we also value poking our nose in the business of others, and in fact we feel guilty when we wait too long to do this - clearly, we should have gotten involved in WWII earlier to save more Jewish lives, and there have been countless genocides and human rights situations that have warranted intervention since then.

So, my question is this: on what level are we comfortable with intervention? When I'm on the subway or the sidewalk, I often cringe at the way parents scream at their children, berating them for perceived flaws or missteps. Should I say something?

The other day, I was standing in line at a box office and there were two women behind me. One got out of line for a moment to read the fine print on a poster about the play. When she stepped back, the other woman wouldn't let her back to her place. She said the woman hadn't asked her to hold the place. Of course the other woman countered with "I didn't think I had to - I thought it was implied." Now, I'm not really judging one or the other, although I figure it's just one person, let her back in line, right? But that's not really the point. The point is, they got into a screaming match, complete with expletives, and I finally turned around and just said, "I can't believe you're having this conversation." Why create so much strife over such a little thing? I didn't think I could stand there and mind my own business as if this was acceptable - because sometimes when we don't have anyone to check our behavior, we get out of control. 9th graders know this from reading Lord of the Flies.

It's a fine line, knowing when to intervene, when to mind our own business. Please comment!

And finally...The American Idol Auditions!

2007-08-31T17:53:00.000-04:00

Many people have asked me - did I get to sing for Simon, Randy and Paula? Nope. Since there are thousands of people, what they do is they have 16 tables set up on the arena floor. Each table has a judge, and you approach the table in groups of four. You sing one at a time, and then the judge tells which people are going on to the next round. If they're moving you forward, you get a Golden Ticket, and you get to go on to the next round.

It was about half star talent (people who have a shot at winning the overall contest) and half wacky people. These people were dressed in all kinds of costumes: a 300-pound lady in all white trimmed with feathers, a trio of girl scouts a la Andrews Sisters, a little guy in a purple leotard, a man in a frizzy red wig, Batgirl and Catwoman - all these people made it to the next round. Look for them when the series premieres!

Rebecca is in a new play!

2007-08-31T15:30:00.000-04:00

I'm playing the role of Grace in "Ashtrays for Vodka" as part of the Fall Festival at the Manhattan Repertory Theater. October 3, 5 and 6 at 9pm. Come see me!

Pool Party!

2007-08-30T22:42:00.001-04:00

Thanks to all the friends who came to console me about getting older! I love you.

Here's the skinny on 29...

2007-08-30T22:36:00.000-04:00

Birthday Fun!

2007-08-30T22:30:00.000-04:00

Here I am before we all got wet in the pool!

I'm Delinquent!

2007-08-29T11:48:00.001-04:00

Okay, apparently I am not pumping these American Idol posts out fast enough. (Thank you, RM.) So I'll throw out a bone here until I have a chunk of time to write more.

For the first four hours in the arena, we were sitting in our assigned seats filming "crowd shots." If you've ever seen the show, you know that is where everyone is screaming and waving their arms. If you've ever worked in television or film, you know that NOTHING is spontaneous, and that "impromptu" take was actually take number 9 (or 47.) Sooooo....that took a while.

Then, finally, they started setting up the tables for the actual auditions.

Me on Audition Day

2007-08-28T22:03:00.000-04:00

I wore my favorite audition shirt (everyone's seen it on my Facebook page, right?) a black skirt and the hottest heels.

That did not impress my judge, a casual woman.

(The guy before me fell on the floor when his song was over. She gave him a golden ticket, and as if to exonerate herself, said "He made me laugh, so I gave it to him." I thought about changing my song at that point but figured it wouldn't work twice in a row anyway.)

Special Guest Ryan Seacrest

2007-08-28T14:15:00.000-04:00

Girls were screaming wildly for him - here he is being followed by cameras on the floor.

My First Glance at the Arena

2007-08-28T14:12:00.000-04:00

FULL OF PEOPLE!
Every single one of these people wants to be the next American Idol.

The Man Who Took My Ticket

2007-08-28T14:07:00.000-04:00

I'm finally in!

Finally going inside!

2007-08-28T14:05:00.001-04:00

Willing to do anything to get on camera part 2

2007-08-28T13:59:00.001-04:00

This girl dressed up as a christmas tree. It worked - not only outside with the news cameras, but later in the arena, she got the coveted golden ticket.

What to do while waiting?

2007-08-28T13:52:00.000-04:00

We stood there in the pens until about 8:30 am. People were doing anything and everything to get on tv - local news stations and the Tonight Show were there.

Sopranos actor Steve Schirippa was guest hosting a Tonight Show segment, so he interviewed a pair of singers doing their version of "Tainted Love." He called them Stripper Idols. (Did anyone see this segment on Leno? If you did, email me or comment on this post!!!)

American Idol Part ? The waiting continues

2007-08-28T13:48:00.001-04:00

Here are some shots of the ENDLESS crowds.

American Idol Part Three

2007-08-28T13:39:00.001-04:00

My alarm rang at 4am, at which point I vocalized, put on my makeup and clothes and checked out by 5am.

It took an hour to drive 5 miles to the Wachovia Center! It turned out that Philadelphia was the biggest turnout EVER for American Idol auditions. I sat in stopped traffic on I-95 for two miles. After finally exiting, another traffic jam welcomed me. All the Wachovia Center lots were full. I parked in the nearest lot a few blocks away, changed into my flip-flops for the walk (sexy Aldo shoes in the bag for later) and joined the parade of pre-dawn hopefuls.

Now it's about 6am. I get to the waiting area - I'm in pen #8. Each pen holds about 2000 people. (Eventually they ran out of pens and just put people in a huge parking lot.)

American Idol Part Two

2007-08-28T13:24:00.001-04:00

Sunday.

Well, I had been sick since Thursday but after driving down to Philly and back in blazing heat with no air conditioner and devoting his entire weekend to my dream, Joe was not about to let me throw it all away.

So I booked a hotel, did last-minute wardrobe checks with my neighbor, loaded up on vitamic C and echinacea, and drove BACK to Philadelphia.

I did everything I could think of to try to feel better- soaking my sore muscles in the hot (more like lukewarm) tub, drinking pepper tea, getting to bed early. But alas, recovery was not on the menu.

American Idol Part One

2007-08-28T11:26:00.000-04:00

On Saturday, Joe and I drove down to Philadelphia to register for American Idol.

Expecting throngs of people, we were quite surprised to find the parking lot nearly empty. We walked right up to the desk and I was registered within ten seconds. Hmmm, I thought, is no one auditioning in Philadelphia?

Well, I had my official wristband, so we headed back to New York to start phase two.

Check back for an update!

Missing Hannah

2007-08-22T14:07:00.001-04:00

It's inevitable, I'm going to miss Hannah more when special occasions come up. I'm turning 29, and Hannah is still 25.

Different revelations have come to me at different times. When I first sat with her body at the hospital, it seemed so clear to me: there is nothing after this life. Hannah's lifeless body communicated one thing to me: there is no afterlife, nowhere we are going after this. I felt I had deluded myself after Papa's death into believing that he was watching over me from somewhere else, and suddenly, I knew that wasn't true.

But I still have a strong belief in the existence of the soul. What separated Hannah from being alive one moment and dead forever the next? It seemed to me that her soul was there, and then it left, and that was what made all the difference. As I explained to a friend, if her body had seemed destroyed, that would have explained it. But it didn't - she seemed as beautiful as ever, just tragically frozen.

I'm starting to think that life is supremely random. It's not that Hannah was "meant" to die, or that there was a cosmic mistake that allowed her to die despite other plans for her. She just died through the confluence of tiny events and decisions. For some reason, this makes me believe that we must not cling too steadfastly to anything external. Not that we shouldn't have goals and reams - I don't believe we can survive the heartbreaks of life without our aspirations. But we must thrive in the moment and not rely upon something we think we deserve coming to us in the future.

Composting

2007-08-07T08:48:00.000-04:00

Yes, I'm a procrastinator.

I've lived in my apartment for two and a half years. Last week, I finally found a place to take my compost. See, when there's an obvious solution to a problem, I just get things done. When I worked at a school that had a composter on the roof (next to the greenhouse full of organic plants - can you tell it was a Montessori school?) I took the compost to work on a weekly basis. But when I'm not sure what to do, I'm paralyzed.

So the smallest thing can be a victory.

Joe can take the credit for this one - his subtle incredulity that I didn't have a compost bag in the freezer finally got to me, and I called the Green Thumb garden people to ask where I could bring my compost. They gave me the number for a community garden two blocks away from my home. That turned out to be a neighborhood woman's private phone number, so the conversation went a little like this:

Me: Good morning. Do you accept compost?
Her: Who is this?
Me: Rebecca
Her: Where are you calling from?
Me: My apartment. (?!)
Her: Hold on a second. (Sound of television being turned off in the background.)
Ok, so now what's this all about?

I won't bore you with the rest of the specifics, but, yes, they will take my compost. I just have to sling it, double-bagged, over the fence of the garden.

The Chalk Boy

2007-07-30T23:32:00.000-04:00

Last night I saw "The Chalk Boy," a new play by Joshua Conkel, starring Courtney Sale, Jennifer Harder, Mary Catherine Donnelly and Mallery Avidon.

The show is about four girls in a small town where a boy has recently disappeared - soon it becomes clear that he has been abducted. Through this story, we learn that while the middle class and the rich matter, the poor do not. A short scene between a creepy trucker and one of the girls proposes this hypothesis: the boy was kidnapped by a white man because that man has seen everything taken from him by women and minorities, and the boy represents the power of the rich. Later, we learn that the "white trash" girl, Penny, who was in love with the boy, goes on to have an unsuccessful marriage and ends up a supermarket checkout person, while the other three girls go to college and end up in successful relationships.

America is a meritocracy, we're always hearing. But for many poor people, it also seems to be a neverending treadmill. Nickel and Dimed showed this clearly, how hard a person can work and still never get out of the lowest rung of society. There are dozens of counterexamples, of people who worked their way up from nothing and made it big. But society should not function only for the exceptional - there are 300 million people in this country. And maybe twelve self-made billionaires.

Bold Corruption

2007-07-02T20:41:00.000-04:00

At this point, there can't be a thinking person alive who doesn't see what a sleazy, corrupt politician we have in George W. Bush. Commuting Scooter Libby's sentence has got to be the last straw.

Spring Awakening

2007-06-20T15:10:00.000-04:00

Last night I saw "Spring Awakening" on Broadway. Aside from a few technical qualms, I thought the show was great - beautiful singers, very unique concept and a sharp adaptation of the original play to the musical format.

I think the producers of the show have done an important service. This play was written in the 1880s about the stifling social attitudes that cause young people so much turmoil. Unfortunately, watching the various storylines, I was struck by how relevant they still are now.

Wendla doesn't understand her body or how sex is related to pregnancy. When her mother scolds her, disappointed that Wendla has betrayed her by losing her virginity and getting pregnant, Wendla's response is "Why didn't you tell me everything?" Wendla had absolutely no understanding and no way of getting information about sex and reproduction. A botched abortion kills her. Today, New York State spends $12 million a year on ABSTINENCE ONLY sex education. So it's no wonder we have teenage pregnancy. And of course there are many reactionaries who would like to return to restrictive laws regarding a woman's right to choose.

Moritz, preoccupied by wet dreams he doesn't undertand, fails his classes. Neither his teacher nor his father undertands or loves him properly, and he shoots himself. We still have epidemic depression and suicide.

Two of the female characters in the play are physically and sexually abused by their fathers. Unfortunately, we still have shame, silence and self-blame trapping people in unhealthy situations.

The language of the play is at once modern, pedestrian and poetic. By bringing these issues to a venue where a broad spectrum of society will identify with them, the cast, writers, director and producers are helping to initiate vital conversations.

My J Nature

2007-06-14T10:57:00.001-04:00

Have you ever read Please Understand Me II? (It's only the best book ever.)

I'm J. Judging. For me, things don't happen in the abstract; they represent part of a larger truth.

Oversleeping doesn't mean I'm tired. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Help!

A cancelled date isn't a disappointment. It's a disaster, because it means

he.
doesn't.
love me.

I once told Joe about my Extreme Thinking: Always! Never! Disaster!

He said, "It could be a great Broadway musical."

What it takes

2007-06-12T12:37:00.000-04:00

For the first few days in Israel and the West Bank, I had a very hard time. Every time we met with a group describing land appropriation by the Israeli government (such as Alternative Voices in the Galil) or listened to someone describe how the checkpoint soldiers treated them, I felt bad. I felt upset. But inside I questioned whether these measures were truly "unnecessary."

You see, in August of 2002, a dear friend of mine, Marla Bennett, was killed in the terrorist bombing of Hebrew University. Many things have been written about Marla. She was beautiful, smart, kind, committed to her goals and values, and she was a day away from finishing her masters degree. She had a flight back to San Diego booked for the next day, and she was getting engaged to a wonderful man. Her murder affected so many people.

One of those people was my sister, Hannah Engle. She and her boyfriend at the time were about to leave for Israel, where they would be living for a year while he studied at HUC and she worked in Jerusalem. The bombing terrified all our parents, and Hannah and Billy decided to move to New York instead. Ultimately, Hannah was not safe in New York, either. For all the hand-wringing parents do when children go to the Holy Land, perhaps they neglect the sad truth about automobile accidents. Last year, Hannah was killed when a car hit her as she crossed 14th Street.

After a day trip to Ramallah (not the bullets whizzing by scene the media might try to convince you it is, by the way), I sat at dinner with a Palestinian woman. She didn't speak much English, and I certainly don't speak Arabic, but we had a Christian aid worker sitting with us, and he translated. She told me about how her brother had been killed by the IDF. She wasn't even sure she wanted to be a part of the organization that had brought us together - the loss was quite new for her, and she was exploring options. I thought back to that point in my grieving for Hannah, and I began to cry.

Suddenly I didn't care who he was or what he had done (which may well have been nothing anyway.) The loss was hers. Just like I miss my Hannah. And WE have to spend the rest of our lives without these people. These siblings we grew up with, shared our secrets with, planned to grow old with. They're gone.

For the first time, I felt connected to the Palestinians on a true human level. My heart opened, and my mind stopped rationalizing. No more, "yes, but Marla died." Loss is loss.

And that's why we have to find a better way.

Israel and the Palestinian Territories

2007-06-11T21:56:00.001-04:00

This will probably end up being more than one post, but here's a primer.

I had been craving a trip to Israel for a couple years. I had been there twice before - once in 1994, once in 2000. So I was overdue. I wanted the spiritual connection, the Jewish learning, the adventure. Coughing up the money was a challenge. But I really wanted to get there.

Joe forwarded me an email from his friend Eliyahu McLean, who was helping to organize a tour. But instead of doing touristy things like climbing Masade for sunrise and floating in the Dead Sea, the tour would visit peacemakers - Israelis and Palestinians who are working toward solutions to the seemingly hopeless situation. I was so excited. My Idealist nature took over, and before I knew it, I was booking a flight.

I had some reservations. Would I get along with the people on my trip? Would I have an authentic experience? Would Joe and I kill each other?

The trip was amazing. I met with so many different groups and individuals, learned about some revolutionary projects, and had my eyes opened to a difficult reality.

I have a few take-home thoughts:

Israel cannot continue with the current policies of harrassment, house demolition, checkpoints, curfews and settlement expansion. One, because it is contrary to our belief in the equality of all human beings and the role of Jews to be "or l'goyim" - a light to the nations. But perhaps more importantly and persuasively for those pragmatists out there, because it isn't working - things are getting worse. Palestinians are getting angrier. Palestinian nationalism is increasing. If we want to protect ourselves, we will find a way to work together instead of building walls.

I'm not sure a democratic state can exist if we want to be a Jewish state. But I struggle with my deeply rooted fear that no matter how hard we try, we will never be accepted or safe, and in that sense we must continue to protect ourselves by some form of "segregation" - the continued prioritization of Jews in Israel. It is impossible to ignore the Holocaust.

We may have to give some things up to get what we want. We should be realistic about that.

Joe and I did not kill each other.

Bottled Water

2007-06-11T21:51:00.000-04:00

I've tried so hard.

I just don't understand why people need to drink bottled water.

Did you read the recent New York Times Magazine article about the bottle deposity law overhaul? I kind of like the idea of a bottle deposit. But really when it comes down to it, we live in a city (at least the fortunate among us here) where the water quality is very high. The stuff actually tastes good. Why can't we just take a bottle, or a glass, go fill it up, and then drink it? Why do we need to buy water that has been moved on a truck from another place? Now, I can be a little snobby about some things. (ahem. More than a few. Sorry.) But I don't really understand the impulse to advertise that I have wasted money on a useless product. I think it would be great if we could all agree to just waste a little less.

My mind is just different

2007-06-11T21:45:00.000-04:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I just don't think like other people.

A lightbulb went off in my head one day, waiting on the uptown Christopher Street platform. I looked at the dirty tiles, looked at my watch, looked down at the tracks, craned my neck over the edge to see whether a train was coming. I'm just standing here. Got nothing to do. Why doesn't the MTA just hang a little bucket full of soapy water and a scrub brush, and if you have a few idle minutes, you could help keep the walls shiny!

Would I be the only one cleaning?