Last Night

I ended up at Short Stop in Echo Park with Marissa and a bunch of people I actually knew were there - Shtibl people. And I met someone. Not someone to date, because Wes plays for the other team. But someone who reminded me of some things I should not forget.

I saw him dancing - he looked pretty unique among the crowd of jeans uniform wearers - he had a greenish tinted mohawk and had his baby face painted the way people do at Burning Man. So later when he ended up dancing next to me, we talked and we opened each others' eyes. I told him I liked his style, and and he responded "I'm so horny!" Ok... I can't help you there, not being a guy myself. He asked my name, and figuring he was probably a burner, I told him my Playa name was Harmony, but that my "real" name was Rebecca. He liked that. He said he had always wanted to go to BM but was terrified that if he did, he would realize once and for all that he really isn't unique. I totally disagreed of course - everyone there is unique. We smiled and hugged. He ended up telling me that he is a male prostitute (I wasn't sure whether he meant literally or figuratively) and that he had self-abuse issues. Mmmm, I told him he needs to take better care of himself, love himself, be gentle with himself and know that he is unique and has something special to offer which is his spark. But the funny thing was that before any of that started, when we were just talking about his style, he had said that I looked beautiful because I radiated goodness from the inside and he could just tell from looking at my face that I was a good person.

Burning Man was definitely about creativity for me and thousands of other people, and I have found my creative voice much more since August (the film I'm making is a great example of that.) But even more important to me, I got in touch with my essential goodness on the Playa. And that goodness drives everything that I do in some way or another. Sometimes it can be so hard to be as good as I want to be, because it's not socially correct. It's not socially correct to stand there with a bunch of my Jewish friends talking to a random, costumed gay boy about his issues, but at that moment I felt a lot of compassion and love for him, and I wanted to give him the gift of self-love. Being good is important to me because it is my core. Everything that I do or make as an actress or a filmmaker or anything else comes from that well of goodness inside.

I'm a very sincere and earnest person, and growing up, that was not a good fit for the searing judgments I encountered all around me. But finding a community of non-judgmental, creative souls has opened me up again and allowed me to trust myself. Now when I encounter negativity, I know that it is probably not about me and I don't have to take it to heart just because it's coming in my direction. I can center myself with my own beliefs, my own truth. And I can give to others without needing something back from them, just knowing that it's the right thing to do and that somehow it will seep in and have an effect.

My J Nature

Have you ever read Please Understand Me II? (It's only the best book ever.)

I'm J. Judging. For me, things don't happen in the abstract; they represent part of a larger truth.

Oversleeping doesn't mean I'm tired. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Help!

A cancelled date isn't a disappointment. It's a disaster, because it means

he.
doesn't.
love me.

I once told Joe about my Extreme Thinking: Always! Never! Disaster!

He said, "It could be a great Broadway musical."

My mind is just different

Anyone who knows me knows that I just don't think like other people.

A lightbulb went off in my head one day, waiting on the uptown Christopher Street platform. I looked at the dirty tiles, looked at my watch, looked down at the tracks, craned my neck over the edge to see whether a train was coming. I'm just standing here. Got nothing to do. Why doesn't the MTA just hang a little bucket full of soapy water and a scrub brush, and if you have a few idle minutes, you could help keep the walls shiny!

Would I be the only one cleaning?