Hoping to go to the inauguration

The Obama campaign asked why I'm excited about the inauguration (in a few words.)

As a Jewish 14 year-old from San Francisco, I flew 3000 miles to attend prep school in New Hampshire on an academic scholarship. I was in a dorm with 33 other girls from all over. The girls I became closest with were all African-American girls from New York City. We understood each other as products of urban, not-so-wealthy neighborhoods. We all took a trip down to Boston to see "Fires in the Mirror" by Anna Deveare Smith. I wished at that moment that race relations in our country could improve, and that we could begin to move on from our past, not by ignoring it, but by changing the future. So I have been so excited about President Obama's potential to begin our healing as a nation. He has many, many gifts, not least of which is his ability to bring people together. Togetherness and dialogue will be our strength.

Latest Projects

Tomorrow I'll be shooting a short film called "Shortened." I play the main character's boss. Ed Magalong is producing.

I'll also be shooting the pilot of "America's Best Cheerleader" with Apple Cart Productions. Let's hope it gets picked up so you can see me kicking, cheering, cartwheeling and doing the splits!

Visit Apple Cart Productions to see other projects they've done.

On Tuesday I'll be doing a comedic photo shoot of "Strangeness in Suburbia" with Jesse Strigler. I play a dominatrix, people. What could be more fun?

Visit Jesse Strigler's site to see his beautiful photos!

Remembering Papa on World AIDS Day

I called him Papa.

He was born Floyd Edward Engle in Mount Holly, New Jersey on a dairy farm. That really didn't suit him, so despite being the eldest son, he packed up his stuff at the end of high school and made the trek to New England to enroll at Harvard. Class of '58. The Class. (Erich Segal novel...)

He had a lot of adventures in life before I came along - intelligence work in the Air Force, stationed in Taiwan listening to Chinese radio, traveling the world. He was married before he met my mother.

The truth is, I don't know my father that well. It has been 14 years since he died, and I was only 15 when it happened. I loved him and had a lot in common with him. But one day while I was home on break from Exeter, I got a call from a friend of his. He was very ill in the hospital after an experimental medication. He had AIDS.

What a blow. We had no idea. The questions. If I ever dare to tell anyone that Papa had AIDS, without fail, the first question is "How did he get it?" I have to say, it really pisses me off. Does it matter? I actually don't know the answer. He was a very private person, very steeped in his Presbyterian church dignified ways. So I may never know.

What I do know is that AIDS tears families apart. Losing the father I loved, then growing up without a father is not easy. I still struggle with the feeling that I don't have a real family. (And of course losing Hannah has compounded that problem.) AIDS needs to be stopped.

Laugh in 17 Seconds

I'm constantly being asked "Are you kosher?"

Here's my answer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XD3NsnAUo44

Let me know what you think! Should I put more comedy clips online?

Last Night

I ended up at Short Stop in Echo Park with Marissa and a bunch of people I actually knew were there - Shtibl people. And I met someone. Not someone to date, because Wes plays for the other team. But someone who reminded me of some things I should not forget.

I saw him dancing - he looked pretty unique among the crowd of jeans uniform wearers - he had a greenish tinted mohawk and had his baby face painted the way people do at Burning Man. So later when he ended up dancing next to me, we talked and we opened each others' eyes. I told him I liked his style, and and he responded "I'm so horny!" Ok... I can't help you there, not being a guy myself. He asked my name, and figuring he was probably a burner, I told him my Playa name was Harmony, but that my "real" name was Rebecca. He liked that. He said he had always wanted to go to BM but was terrified that if he did, he would realize once and for all that he really isn't unique. I totally disagreed of course - everyone there is unique. We smiled and hugged. He ended up telling me that he is a male prostitute (I wasn't sure whether he meant literally or figuratively) and that he had self-abuse issues. Mmmm, I told him he needs to take better care of himself, love himself, be gentle with himself and know that he is unique and has something special to offer which is his spark. But the funny thing was that before any of that started, when we were just talking about his style, he had said that I looked beautiful because I radiated goodness from the inside and he could just tell from looking at my face that I was a good person.

Burning Man was definitely about creativity for me and thousands of other people, and I have found my creative voice much more since August (the film I'm making is a great example of that.) But even more important to me, I got in touch with my essential goodness on the Playa. And that goodness drives everything that I do in some way or another. Sometimes it can be so hard to be as good as I want to be, because it's not socially correct. It's not socially correct to stand there with a bunch of my Jewish friends talking to a random, costumed gay boy about his issues, but at that moment I felt a lot of compassion and love for him, and I wanted to give him the gift of self-love. Being good is important to me because it is my core. Everything that I do or make as an actress or a filmmaker or anything else comes from that well of goodness inside.

I'm a very sincere and earnest person, and growing up, that was not a good fit for the searing judgments I encountered all around me. But finding a community of non-judgmental, creative souls has opened me up again and allowed me to trust myself. Now when I encounter negativity, I know that it is probably not about me and I don't have to take it to heart just because it's coming in my direction. I can center myself with my own beliefs, my own truth. And I can give to others without needing something back from them, just knowing that it's the right thing to do and that somehow it will seep in and have an effect.

Law & Order, Star-Ving

I have some small (non-speaking) roles to tell you about!

Law & Order episode 7 - should be coming out in about a month. I played an ADA in arraignment court. I believe the episode is called "Sweetie."

Star-Ving: it's a new web series that you can watch on crackle.com starting in January. I played a banker coming to repo a porn shop from David Faustino and Corin Nemick. Very funny and over-the-top.

So far, LA is good!

Overheard in Park Slope

guy: I hate it when people put their trash in my trash can!

girl: Yeah, that's really annoying. What are you going to do?

guy: The punishment is, if you put your trash in my can, you have to eat what you threw away.

I'm a film producer!

How did this happen, people keep asking me...

Well, Burning Man definitely got my creative juices flowing, and I had been sitting on a couple of script ideas, so when I got back, I just sat down to start writing, and - boom - I had a screenplay for an adorable short.

I wasn't sure what to do about it. I'm not a director, nor do I have the remotest understanding of cameras. I started putting out the feelers for a director and cameraman, and after a few almosts, I found an AMAZING director, Jeremy Frindel, and his favorite cameraman, Jai Mitchell. The three of us are really on the same wavelength, so shooting has been a fantastic experience. We still have three of the most important scenes of the film to do, so I'll be in New York for another 3-5 weeks. (I found another sublet in Park Slope for that time.)

I swear people, I *tried* to move to LA!

What's the film about, you ask?

It's the story of a girl who is perfectionist, loves to do everything herself and lives to dress up in costume. Sound familiar? And, yeah, she has trouble meeting the right guy... but then one turns up where she least expects and they hit it off!

I will update you when new developments arise. For now, we are shooting, editing and doing lots of production tasks I didn't know existed!

How to spend your birthday with 50,000 of your closest friends

Or, my **th birthday on the Playa

This year, anticipating my **th birthday was a bit daunting, to say the least. I just broke up with someone and moved 3000 miles away, so the prospect of spending a landmark birthday with four friends in an unfamiliar city was pretty depressing.

Enter - Burning Man!

Venturing into the unknown, I packed up costumes, toilet paper, dust goggles, glow sticks and A LOT of See's lollipops and prepared to be impressed.

I was.

The playa was a carnival of beautiful people in creative, sexy costumes; tents under which to escape the midday sun; amazing music that moved me all night long; sunrises at Opulent Temple... but I digress.

My birthday.
Well, I was still awake at midnight of the 28th, dancing my little booty off in fairy garb at OT. I stayed there til about 7am, then grabbed a "yellow bike" - they're actually green, and available for anyone to use, if you can find one with both tires inflated, still possessing its chain and both pedals. (The one I found was actually missing a pedal, but I just hooked the crook of my boot onto the metal rod and made do) I rode across the playa, letting the breeze stroke my newly birthed skin.

Took a 2-hour nap (the only sleep of the day), then got ready for the day: massage at Cock'n'Waffles. Two massage therapists and a *very* adorable Reiki healer I had met the day before at a party worked on me. Yum. Don't mind the bruises on my a$$ - I'm as delicate as the princess and the pea, and we all know it.

Truth Ruth brought me waffle while I waited, and some cute boy brought me watermelon to cool me down. I noticed a gorgeous naked guy walking by, and pointed him out to TR. Yes, he's cute, she said, but gay. I wasn't so sure. Five minutes later, he walks into the tent, sits down next to me and starts chatting me up. I look over at TR. wink. A spot opens up on the hammock next to us, and he asks me to join him. Would I like a foot rub while we wait? (These massages were popular, people - the line was hours long) Um, sure. Oh, it's your birthday? Would you like me to wash your hair later? Um, yes, that would be kinda hot.

Hair washed, feet rubbed, body kneaded and energetically balanced, I grabbed Spike and Karol, and we headed to The Deep End for some afternoon dancing. I changed out of my nipple tape and into a little dominatrix outfit - purple bustier and black boy shorts with knee-high boots. Along the way, we ran into Danny Greene who helped us celebrate, then helped lead Shabbat services back at Sukkat Shalom.

Jade Netanya, Shuli, Avi W. and all kinds of wonderful people showed up for services, which were super fun and creative. Then a little brigade of friends went off in search of birthday adventure. Everywhere we went, Rachel, Tamuz, Avi and Spike would yell "it's her birthday" and people would scream and hug me and sing. So much fun.

First stop, Thunderdome. Spike and Snow White wanted to go at it with an audience. Too bad it was closed. But hey, we don't need things to be open! We did it ourselves. Avi announced and I tried to rile up the crowd. Eventually the Death Guild people shut us down, but we'd already had our dusty fun at that point - we were satiated.

We had some party favors we needed to divide up so we wandered into a random camp and made ourselves comfortable on the couches. One of the camp's residents, a hot Brazilian, came over and sat with us, then invited us into his trailer where we got to know each other a bit. Then we all went to the Hookahdome for some hot dancing. (Thank you Avi and Tamuz for proving that sexuality is indeed on a spectrum. You should have seen those two go at it on the sand.)

Next stop - Opulent Temple, where we danced until 9:45am. Ran into Bronya, Julia, Dan and Charlie, who were a super fun addition to the birthday party. I got some birthday kisses from my new friend, and we danced until the sun came up and it got too hot to stay outside!

Thank you, playa, for the best birthday ever.

Harmony on the Playa

Before heading to Burning Man this year for the first time, I thought about whether to choose a "Playa name" - what would it be? Should it be a description of how I am, like "Neurotic", "Chaos", "Buzz Fairy"?

On the phone with a seasoned Burner, he told me that he had chosen a name that would be a mantra - every time he said it, it would remind him what he was striving for. (I won't divulge his real or Playa name here in case he doesn't want it revealed.) So, I decided to give some thought to what I am trying to achieve here on this earth...

Harmony.

It was so lovely, because every time I said the name, I got more comfortable with it, and right from the beginning, people said that it suited me perfectly. This definitely came as a surprise since I have many times been accused of being quite difficult and unharmonious.

Now that I am back, I feel almost like I am lying when I tell people my name is Rebecca! It doesn't feel like the whole story.

Mindful Breakfast on the Roof

This morning I woke up much earlier than usual, so I took my sunrise breakfast up to the roof, where I discovered my neighbor playing the sur bahar. Faint stringed stylings from three or four roofs over...

I ate each bite slowly, mindfully; smiling at my food as it became part of me. I have just finished a introductory series on ayurvedic nutrition, and I am learning "self-realization meditation," in which you seek to understand each organ, each cell in your body to know what it needs.

I feel so blessed to have a roof in Park Slope where I can see the treetops, the water, the church towers, and most importantly, where I can be with myself.

LA, New York, LA, New York, LA

Well, this blog is called Can't Sit Still, and that is no joke.

On Tuesday I am flying *back* to LA to film 7 episodes of a web series I just got cast in. Obviously, I'm really excited about that. And I'll be hanging out with Chana Rothman at her show on the 26th, doing a little duet to punctuate the trip.

Then I'll be back in New York for another two weeks before heading out to LA for a month, then two weeks in New York at the end of September at which point I guess I will be a real Californian after 8 years here.

Honestly, I am scared and anxious in addition to all the fun and excitement.

Getting what you want always comes at some kind of a cost. I already had to let go of Joe, and now I am letting go of close friends, biking around Park Slope, knowing the best way to get everywhere in this crazy city, security, a job... the list goes on. It's definitely harder than it was to move here, which just kind of happened with no real forethought.

Control, or the lack thereof

Perhaps I should be embarrassed to say this (well, I am, so there's really no perhaps) but I am reading Eat Pray Love and finding some actual insight.

If you haven't read the book, it is a memoir of a woman's journey to three different places: Italy, India and Bali.

In Italy, this woman was really annoying me, and I would have stopped reading the book but the whole point was to see what all the fuss was about and my lovely friend Liz loaned me the book, so I persisted.

It started to pay off when she got to India, where she spent six weeks in an ashram. This is actually something I have considered doing and may still do, so it's quite interesting for me to read about what happened to her there. And she and I have a bit in common - she went through a nasty divorce (which sounds much, much worse than mine) and then a heartbreaking relationship right after that (double check). And what her friend tells her is basically that she is bending herself all out of shape to try to control everything, and not admitting that she just can't control it. And that the energy she puts into trying to control it is ruining her life and blocking her ability to find God.

I am a control freak. Everyone knows this about me (please don't put in the comments that you agree. It's painful enough.) But what I have started to learn, first at the meditation retreat back in October with Thich Nhat Hanh, then with the couples therapist, is that I cannot control everything. All my responses to this breakup with Joe have been about control. I don't want the breakup to happen, so I will bend and twist and change to please him. I don't want to be sad about the breakup, so I will be angry and pretend I don't care that much. I don't want to have this heartache happen again so I will dump the next guy who comes along as soon as anything goes wrong. Let's be honest, these all work up to a certain point, but there is no controlling life and the relationships that we all crave. So I am letting go more, relaxing into the situation I'm in. Joe didn't want me, and I am probably better off without him, but it still hurts. And someday, it will not hurt anymore because time goes by, and I don't think about the other relationships in my life that have not worked out. And I can't make it hurt less by trying to control it.

So I am breathing.

I am living in the present moment.

And I am slowly starting to feel ok.

Things People Say When They Mean Well

But that, let's face it, hurt anyway.

1. Friend who means well 1: Are you engaged?
Me: Umm, no, we broke up.
FWMW1: Oh, I guess that's why you don't ask people whether they're engaged.

2. FWMW2: Why is there an empty chair next to you?
Me: I rsvp'ed with Joe, but then we broke up since then.
FWMW2: Oh. Sorry!

3. etcetera...

Pilot and Voice-Over

This week I did a teeny tiny (read: non-speaking) role in a pilot that hopefully will get picked up this fall. If it does, I will tell you when to look for me.

And I did my fist voice-over! It was kind of a strange thing, like acting over the telephone, but it was neat to get sort of blockaded into this soundproof room with the Sennheiser microphone and do accents and whatnot. The film is Homeward Bound by Robert Duncan. I did a lead role in another film of his a while back, which hasn't been released yet (hoping for end of August.)

Math...and seduction?

Yesterday I shot a film. I played a math teacher who seduces her student. I'm happy to report that the second half of that statement is much further from the truth than the first half!

As many of you know, I am actually a tutor for math (and chemistry and French). But I don't usually let my hair down and unbutton my shirt.

In the film, Miss Math is teaching away about simultaneous equations, and the student is so bored that he begins to fantasize that his teacher is seducing him, throwing the papers and pencils aside, letting her hair down and strip-teasing!

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

I do.

Well, I want to be on the show...

Yesterday I took the written test for the show and passed! I was pretty proud of myself because in the whole cafeteria of people taking the test, only six or seven other people got called. Some of the questions were pretty hard!

They took a Polaroid photo of me, which they affixed to my application.

I had a short interview and they sent me out saying, we'll call you in a few weeks. I'll keep you posted.

The Plan is Always Changing

Most recent developments:

I am now a resident of Park Slope after 8 years as a committed Manhattan gal. I love Park Slope - it's the closest thing to Prenzlauer Berg you can get outside of Berlin.

Postponing Eastern Europe a bit. Been getting a lot of tv work and I want to see where I can go with that before I skip town again.

Things are over with Joe. The answer is Yes; you can set me up with your cute cousin/nephew/friend from prep school.

My Plan

My current thinking...

Performing "Bella's Dream" made me realize how badly I want to know my family's history and therefore I have decided to spend some time this summer visiting the towns where my family comes from in Poland and Belarus.

After that I'm planning to study at Pardes for one of the summer sessions, and possibly visit Turkey, one of my fantasy travel destinations, before heading out west to make a name for myself in La-La Land.

Silent Huddle

A group of Jewish women had been rounded up from the town. A bucket near the border crossing had a sign in German that said "put a contribution in or we'll shoot the women." The guards took the money and shot all the women anyway. That is how Bella and Raymond crossed the border. (This text loosely based on Dana's words in the play.)