Control, or the lack thereof

Perhaps I should be embarrassed to say this (well, I am, so there's really no perhaps) but I am reading Eat Pray Love and finding some actual insight.

If you haven't read the book, it is a memoir of a woman's journey to three different places: Italy, India and Bali.

In Italy, this woman was really annoying me, and I would have stopped reading the book but the whole point was to see what all the fuss was about and my lovely friend Liz loaned me the book, so I persisted.

It started to pay off when she got to India, where she spent six weeks in an ashram. This is actually something I have considered doing and may still do, so it's quite interesting for me to read about what happened to her there. And she and I have a bit in common - she went through a nasty divorce (which sounds much, much worse than mine) and then a heartbreaking relationship right after that (double check). And what her friend tells her is basically that she is bending herself all out of shape to try to control everything, and not admitting that she just can't control it. And that the energy she puts into trying to control it is ruining her life and blocking her ability to find God.

I am a control freak. Everyone knows this about me (please don't put in the comments that you agree. It's painful enough.) But what I have started to learn, first at the meditation retreat back in October with Thich Nhat Hanh, then with the couples therapist, is that I cannot control everything. All my responses to this breakup with Joe have been about control. I don't want the breakup to happen, so I will bend and twist and change to please him. I don't want to be sad about the breakup, so I will be angry and pretend I don't care that much. I don't want to have this heartache happen again so I will dump the next guy who comes along as soon as anything goes wrong. Let's be honest, these all work up to a certain point, but there is no controlling life and the relationships that we all crave. So I am letting go more, relaxing into the situation I'm in. Joe didn't want me, and I am probably better off without him, but it still hurts. And someday, it will not hurt anymore because time goes by, and I don't think about the other relationships in my life that have not worked out. And I can't make it hurt less by trying to control it.

So I am breathing.

I am living in the present moment.

And I am slowly starting to feel ok.

Things People Say When They Mean Well

But that, let's face it, hurt anyway.

1. Friend who means well 1: Are you engaged?
Me: Umm, no, we broke up.
FWMW1: Oh, I guess that's why you don't ask people whether they're engaged.

2. FWMW2: Why is there an empty chair next to you?
Me: I rsvp'ed with Joe, but then we broke up since then.
FWMW2: Oh. Sorry!

3. etcetera...

Pilot and Voice-Over

This week I did a teeny tiny (read: non-speaking) role in a pilot that hopefully will get picked up this fall. If it does, I will tell you when to look for me.

And I did my fist voice-over! It was kind of a strange thing, like acting over the telephone, but it was neat to get sort of blockaded into this soundproof room with the Sennheiser microphone and do accents and whatnot. The film is Homeward Bound by Robert Duncan. I did a lead role in another film of his a while back, which hasn't been released yet (hoping for end of August.)

Math...and seduction?

Yesterday I shot a film. I played a math teacher who seduces her student. I'm happy to report that the second half of that statement is much further from the truth than the first half!

As many of you know, I am actually a tutor for math (and chemistry and French). But I don't usually let my hair down and unbutton my shirt.

In the film, Miss Math is teaching away about simultaneous equations, and the student is so bored that he begins to fantasize that his teacher is seducing him, throwing the papers and pencils aside, letting her hair down and strip-teasing!

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

I do.

Well, I want to be on the show...

Yesterday I took the written test for the show and passed! I was pretty proud of myself because in the whole cafeteria of people taking the test, only six or seven other people got called. Some of the questions were pretty hard!

They took a Polaroid photo of me, which they affixed to my application.

I had a short interview and they sent me out saying, we'll call you in a few weeks. I'll keep you posted.

The Plan is Always Changing

Most recent developments:

I am now a resident of Park Slope after 8 years as a committed Manhattan gal. I love Park Slope - it's the closest thing to Prenzlauer Berg you can get outside of Berlin.

Postponing Eastern Europe a bit. Been getting a lot of tv work and I want to see where I can go with that before I skip town again.

Things are over with Joe. The answer is Yes; you can set me up with your cute cousin/nephew/friend from prep school.