Hoping to go to the inauguration

The Obama campaign asked why I'm excited about the inauguration (in a few words.)

As a Jewish 14 year-old from San Francisco, I flew 3000 miles to attend prep school in New Hampshire on an academic scholarship. I was in a dorm with 33 other girls from all over. The girls I became closest with were all African-American girls from New York City. We understood each other as products of urban, not-so-wealthy neighborhoods. We all took a trip down to Boston to see "Fires in the Mirror" by Anna Deveare Smith. I wished at that moment that race relations in our country could improve, and that we could begin to move on from our past, not by ignoring it, but by changing the future. So I have been so excited about President Obama's potential to begin our healing as a nation. He has many, many gifts, not least of which is his ability to bring people together. Togetherness and dialogue will be our strength.

Latest Projects

Tomorrow I'll be shooting a short film called "Shortened." I play the main character's boss. Ed Magalong is producing.

I'll also be shooting the pilot of "America's Best Cheerleader" with Apple Cart Productions. Let's hope it gets picked up so you can see me kicking, cheering, cartwheeling and doing the splits!

Visit Apple Cart Productions to see other projects they've done.

On Tuesday I'll be doing a comedic photo shoot of "Strangeness in Suburbia" with Jesse Strigler. I play a dominatrix, people. What could be more fun?

Visit Jesse Strigler's site to see his beautiful photos!

Remembering Papa on World AIDS Day

I called him Papa.

He was born Floyd Edward Engle in Mount Holly, New Jersey on a dairy farm. That really didn't suit him, so despite being the eldest son, he packed up his stuff at the end of high school and made the trek to New England to enroll at Harvard. Class of '58. The Class. (Erich Segal novel...)

He had a lot of adventures in life before I came along - intelligence work in the Air Force, stationed in Taiwan listening to Chinese radio, traveling the world. He was married before he met my mother.

The truth is, I don't know my father that well. It has been 14 years since he died, and I was only 15 when it happened. I loved him and had a lot in common with him. But one day while I was home on break from Exeter, I got a call from a friend of his. He was very ill in the hospital after an experimental medication. He had AIDS.

What a blow. We had no idea. The questions. If I ever dare to tell anyone that Papa had AIDS, without fail, the first question is "How did he get it?" I have to say, it really pisses me off. Does it matter? I actually don't know the answer. He was a very private person, very steeped in his Presbyterian church dignified ways. So I may never know.

What I do know is that AIDS tears families apart. Losing the father I loved, then growing up without a father is not easy. I still struggle with the feeling that I don't have a real family. (And of course losing Hannah has compounded that problem.) AIDS needs to be stopped.

Laugh in 17 Seconds

I'm constantly being asked "Are you kosher?"

Here's my answer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XD3NsnAUo44

Let me know what you think! Should I put more comedy clips online?

Last Night

I ended up at Short Stop in Echo Park with Marissa and a bunch of people I actually knew were there - Shtibl people. And I met someone. Not someone to date, because Wes plays for the other team. But someone who reminded me of some things I should not forget.

I saw him dancing - he looked pretty unique among the crowd of jeans uniform wearers - he had a greenish tinted mohawk and had his baby face painted the way people do at Burning Man. So later when he ended up dancing next to me, we talked and we opened each others' eyes. I told him I liked his style, and and he responded "I'm so horny!" Ok... I can't help you there, not being a guy myself. He asked my name, and figuring he was probably a burner, I told him my Playa name was Harmony, but that my "real" name was Rebecca. He liked that. He said he had always wanted to go to BM but was terrified that if he did, he would realize once and for all that he really isn't unique. I totally disagreed of course - everyone there is unique. We smiled and hugged. He ended up telling me that he is a male prostitute (I wasn't sure whether he meant literally or figuratively) and that he had self-abuse issues. Mmmm, I told him he needs to take better care of himself, love himself, be gentle with himself and know that he is unique and has something special to offer which is his spark. But the funny thing was that before any of that started, when we were just talking about his style, he had said that I looked beautiful because I radiated goodness from the inside and he could just tell from looking at my face that I was a good person.

Burning Man was definitely about creativity for me and thousands of other people, and I have found my creative voice much more since August (the film I'm making is a great example of that.) But even more important to me, I got in touch with my essential goodness on the Playa. And that goodness drives everything that I do in some way or another. Sometimes it can be so hard to be as good as I want to be, because it's not socially correct. It's not socially correct to stand there with a bunch of my Jewish friends talking to a random, costumed gay boy about his issues, but at that moment I felt a lot of compassion and love for him, and I wanted to give him the gift of self-love. Being good is important to me because it is my core. Everything that I do or make as an actress or a filmmaker or anything else comes from that well of goodness inside.

I'm a very sincere and earnest person, and growing up, that was not a good fit for the searing judgments I encountered all around me. But finding a community of non-judgmental, creative souls has opened me up again and allowed me to trust myself. Now when I encounter negativity, I know that it is probably not about me and I don't have to take it to heart just because it's coming in my direction. I can center myself with my own beliefs, my own truth. And I can give to others without needing something back from them, just knowing that it's the right thing to do and that somehow it will seep in and have an effect.

Law & Order, Star-Ving

I have some small (non-speaking) roles to tell you about!

Law & Order episode 7 - should be coming out in about a month. I played an ADA in arraignment court. I believe the episode is called "Sweetie."

Star-Ving: it's a new web series that you can watch on crackle.com starting in January. I played a banker coming to repo a porn shop from David Faustino and Corin Nemick. Very funny and over-the-top.

So far, LA is good!

Overheard in Park Slope

guy: I hate it when people put their trash in my trash can!

girl: Yeah, that's really annoying. What are you going to do?

guy: The punishment is, if you put your trash in my can, you have to eat what you threw away.

I'm a film producer!

How did this happen, people keep asking me...

Well, Burning Man definitely got my creative juices flowing, and I had been sitting on a couple of script ideas, so when I got back, I just sat down to start writing, and - boom - I had a screenplay for an adorable short.

I wasn't sure what to do about it. I'm not a director, nor do I have the remotest understanding of cameras. I started putting out the feelers for a director and cameraman, and after a few almosts, I found an AMAZING director, Jeremy Frindel, and his favorite cameraman, Jai Mitchell. The three of us are really on the same wavelength, so shooting has been a fantastic experience. We still have three of the most important scenes of the film to do, so I'll be in New York for another 3-5 weeks. (I found another sublet in Park Slope for that time.)

I swear people, I *tried* to move to LA!

What's the film about, you ask?

It's the story of a girl who is perfectionist, loves to do everything herself and lives to dress up in costume. Sound familiar? And, yeah, she has trouble meeting the right guy... but then one turns up where she least expects and they hit it off!

I will update you when new developments arise. For now, we are shooting, editing and doing lots of production tasks I didn't know existed!

How to spend your birthday with 50,000 of your closest friends

Or, my **th birthday on the Playa

This year, anticipating my **th birthday was a bit daunting, to say the least. I just broke up with someone and moved 3000 miles away, so the prospect of spending a landmark birthday with four friends in an unfamiliar city was pretty depressing.

Enter - Burning Man!

Venturing into the unknown, I packed up costumes, toilet paper, dust goggles, glow sticks and A LOT of See's lollipops and prepared to be impressed.

I was.

The playa was a carnival of beautiful people in creative, sexy costumes; tents under which to escape the midday sun; amazing music that moved me all night long; sunrises at Opulent Temple... but I digress.

My birthday.
Well, I was still awake at midnight of the 28th, dancing my little booty off in fairy garb at OT. I stayed there til about 7am, then grabbed a "yellow bike" - they're actually green, and available for anyone to use, if you can find one with both tires inflated, still possessing its chain and both pedals. (The one I found was actually missing a pedal, but I just hooked the crook of my boot onto the metal rod and made do) I rode across the playa, letting the breeze stroke my newly birthed skin.

Took a 2-hour nap (the only sleep of the day), then got ready for the day: massage at Cock'n'Waffles. Two massage therapists and a *very* adorable Reiki healer I had met the day before at a party worked on me. Yum. Don't mind the bruises on my a$$ - I'm as delicate as the princess and the pea, and we all know it.

Truth Ruth brought me waffle while I waited, and some cute boy brought me watermelon to cool me down. I noticed a gorgeous naked guy walking by, and pointed him out to TR. Yes, he's cute, she said, but gay. I wasn't so sure. Five minutes later, he walks into the tent, sits down next to me and starts chatting me up. I look over at TR. wink. A spot opens up on the hammock next to us, and he asks me to join him. Would I like a foot rub while we wait? (These massages were popular, people - the line was hours long) Um, sure. Oh, it's your birthday? Would you like me to wash your hair later? Um, yes, that would be kinda hot.

Hair washed, feet rubbed, body kneaded and energetically balanced, I grabbed Spike and Karol, and we headed to The Deep End for some afternoon dancing. I changed out of my nipple tape and into a little dominatrix outfit - purple bustier and black boy shorts with knee-high boots. Along the way, we ran into Danny Greene who helped us celebrate, then helped lead Shabbat services back at Sukkat Shalom.

Jade Netanya, Shuli, Avi W. and all kinds of wonderful people showed up for services, which were super fun and creative. Then a little brigade of friends went off in search of birthday adventure. Everywhere we went, Rachel, Tamuz, Avi and Spike would yell "it's her birthday" and people would scream and hug me and sing. So much fun.

First stop, Thunderdome. Spike and Snow White wanted to go at it with an audience. Too bad it was closed. But hey, we don't need things to be open! We did it ourselves. Avi announced and I tried to rile up the crowd. Eventually the Death Guild people shut us down, but we'd already had our dusty fun at that point - we were satiated.

We had some party favors we needed to divide up so we wandered into a random camp and made ourselves comfortable on the couches. One of the camp's residents, a hot Brazilian, came over and sat with us, then invited us into his trailer where we got to know each other a bit. Then we all went to the Hookahdome for some hot dancing. (Thank you Avi and Tamuz for proving that sexuality is indeed on a spectrum. You should have seen those two go at it on the sand.)

Next stop - Opulent Temple, where we danced until 9:45am. Ran into Bronya, Julia, Dan and Charlie, who were a super fun addition to the birthday party. I got some birthday kisses from my new friend, and we danced until the sun came up and it got too hot to stay outside!

Thank you, playa, for the best birthday ever.

Harmony on the Playa

Before heading to Burning Man this year for the first time, I thought about whether to choose a "Playa name" - what would it be? Should it be a description of how I am, like "Neurotic", "Chaos", "Buzz Fairy"?

On the phone with a seasoned Burner, he told me that he had chosen a name that would be a mantra - every time he said it, it would remind him what he was striving for. (I won't divulge his real or Playa name here in case he doesn't want it revealed.) So, I decided to give some thought to what I am trying to achieve here on this earth...

Harmony.

It was so lovely, because every time I said the name, I got more comfortable with it, and right from the beginning, people said that it suited me perfectly. This definitely came as a surprise since I have many times been accused of being quite difficult and unharmonious.

Now that I am back, I feel almost like I am lying when I tell people my name is Rebecca! It doesn't feel like the whole story.

Mindful Breakfast on the Roof

This morning I woke up much earlier than usual, so I took my sunrise breakfast up to the roof, where I discovered my neighbor playing the sur bahar. Faint stringed stylings from three or four roofs over...

I ate each bite slowly, mindfully; smiling at my food as it became part of me. I have just finished a introductory series on ayurvedic nutrition, and I am learning "self-realization meditation," in which you seek to understand each organ, each cell in your body to know what it needs.

I feel so blessed to have a roof in Park Slope where I can see the treetops, the water, the church towers, and most importantly, where I can be with myself.

LA, New York, LA, New York, LA

Well, this blog is called Can't Sit Still, and that is no joke.

On Tuesday I am flying *back* to LA to film 7 episodes of a web series I just got cast in. Obviously, I'm really excited about that. And I'll be hanging out with Chana Rothman at her show on the 26th, doing a little duet to punctuate the trip.

Then I'll be back in New York for another two weeks before heading out to LA for a month, then two weeks in New York at the end of September at which point I guess I will be a real Californian after 8 years here.

Honestly, I am scared and anxious in addition to all the fun and excitement.

Getting what you want always comes at some kind of a cost. I already had to let go of Joe, and now I am letting go of close friends, biking around Park Slope, knowing the best way to get everywhere in this crazy city, security, a job... the list goes on. It's definitely harder than it was to move here, which just kind of happened with no real forethought.

Control, or the lack thereof

Perhaps I should be embarrassed to say this (well, I am, so there's really no perhaps) but I am reading Eat Pray Love and finding some actual insight.

If you haven't read the book, it is a memoir of a woman's journey to three different places: Italy, India and Bali.

In Italy, this woman was really annoying me, and I would have stopped reading the book but the whole point was to see what all the fuss was about and my lovely friend Liz loaned me the book, so I persisted.

It started to pay off when she got to India, where she spent six weeks in an ashram. This is actually something I have considered doing and may still do, so it's quite interesting for me to read about what happened to her there. And she and I have a bit in common - she went through a nasty divorce (which sounds much, much worse than mine) and then a heartbreaking relationship right after that (double check). And what her friend tells her is basically that she is bending herself all out of shape to try to control everything, and not admitting that she just can't control it. And that the energy she puts into trying to control it is ruining her life and blocking her ability to find God.

I am a control freak. Everyone knows this about me (please don't put in the comments that you agree. It's painful enough.) But what I have started to learn, first at the meditation retreat back in October with Thich Nhat Hanh, then with the couples therapist, is that I cannot control everything. All my responses to this breakup with Joe have been about control. I don't want the breakup to happen, so I will bend and twist and change to please him. I don't want to be sad about the breakup, so I will be angry and pretend I don't care that much. I don't want to have this heartache happen again so I will dump the next guy who comes along as soon as anything goes wrong. Let's be honest, these all work up to a certain point, but there is no controlling life and the relationships that we all crave. So I am letting go more, relaxing into the situation I'm in. Joe didn't want me, and I am probably better off without him, but it still hurts. And someday, it will not hurt anymore because time goes by, and I don't think about the other relationships in my life that have not worked out. And I can't make it hurt less by trying to control it.

So I am breathing.

I am living in the present moment.

And I am slowly starting to feel ok.

Things People Say When They Mean Well

But that, let's face it, hurt anyway.

1. Friend who means well 1: Are you engaged?
Me: Umm, no, we broke up.
FWMW1: Oh, I guess that's why you don't ask people whether they're engaged.

2. FWMW2: Why is there an empty chair next to you?
Me: I rsvp'ed with Joe, but then we broke up since then.
FWMW2: Oh. Sorry!

3. etcetera...

Pilot and Voice-Over

This week I did a teeny tiny (read: non-speaking) role in a pilot that hopefully will get picked up this fall. If it does, I will tell you when to look for me.

And I did my fist voice-over! It was kind of a strange thing, like acting over the telephone, but it was neat to get sort of blockaded into this soundproof room with the Sennheiser microphone and do accents and whatnot. The film is Homeward Bound by Robert Duncan. I did a lead role in another film of his a while back, which hasn't been released yet (hoping for end of August.)

Math...and seduction?

Yesterday I shot a film. I played a math teacher who seduces her student. I'm happy to report that the second half of that statement is much further from the truth than the first half!

As many of you know, I am actually a tutor for math (and chemistry and French). But I don't usually let my hair down and unbutton my shirt.

In the film, Miss Math is teaching away about simultaneous equations, and the student is so bored that he begins to fantasize that his teacher is seducing him, throwing the papers and pencils aside, letting her hair down and strip-teasing!

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

I do.

Well, I want to be on the show...

Yesterday I took the written test for the show and passed! I was pretty proud of myself because in the whole cafeteria of people taking the test, only six or seven other people got called. Some of the questions were pretty hard!

They took a Polaroid photo of me, which they affixed to my application.

I had a short interview and they sent me out saying, we'll call you in a few weeks. I'll keep you posted.

The Plan is Always Changing

Most recent developments:

I am now a resident of Park Slope after 8 years as a committed Manhattan gal. I love Park Slope - it's the closest thing to Prenzlauer Berg you can get outside of Berlin.

Postponing Eastern Europe a bit. Been getting a lot of tv work and I want to see where I can go with that before I skip town again.

Things are over with Joe. The answer is Yes; you can set me up with your cute cousin/nephew/friend from prep school.

My Plan

My current thinking...

Performing "Bella's Dream" made me realize how badly I want to know my family's history and therefore I have decided to spend some time this summer visiting the towns where my family comes from in Poland and Belarus.

After that I'm planning to study at Pardes for one of the summer sessions, and possibly visit Turkey, one of my fantasy travel destinations, before heading out west to make a name for myself in La-La Land.

Silent Huddle

A group of Jewish women had been rounded up from the town. A bucket near the border crossing had a sign in German that said "put a contribution in or we'll shoot the women." The guards took the money and shot all the women anyway. That is how Bella and Raymond crossed the border. (This text loosely based on Dana's words in the play.)

"Bella's Dream" in Baltimore

Last night I performed "Bella's Dream" by Dana Boll in Baltimore.

The show is about Dana's grandparents, Bella and Raymond, who left Gabin, Poland in the late 30s, escaped to Russia, were interned in a work camp about Siberia, made their way on a cattle car through Uzbekistan and eventually settled in New Jersey.

The script and choreography beautifully told the story of these exceptional people and of Dana's journey to understand and remember them.

Here are a few photos of our work.

The dancers are Dana Boll, Lisa Hokans, Grace Ann Dorse, Heather Bloch, Dawn Trautman and myself (Rebecca Jupiter.)

A Day in the Life - My First LA Film Gig!

Last weekend I spent three days on the set of "A Day in the Life." It's a short film produced by Green Ambassadors, a cute, campy comedy about a day in the life of a typical American family. Each scene consists of the unreflective choice and the green choice we could make to replace it.

It was such a treat to be silly, funny and quirky on set.

The film will be shown at the LA Convention Center in April and at an environmental festival and various schools. Once I have the dvd, maybe I'll have my own screening for those who want to see it!

Hannah Engle Memorial Lecture

On Tuesday, NYU Wagner hosted the Second Annual Hannah Engle Memorial Lecture. I gave the following remarks about Hannah.

Hannah Beth Engle was born on November 6, 1980. She weighed nine pounds, fourteen ounces. This is pretty heavy for a baby, and I had been almost as heavy, and as children, we were so embarrassed about being fat babies, but the older we got, the more we relished those birth weights for the reliable shocks they produced in anyone we told. As an adult, Hannah loved that the chubby baby she had been had grown into a beautiful woman. She loved to surprise people with her unique blend of seeming contradictions.

Hannah stood out in a crowd – tall, blonde and poised. And that was part of her charm. But good looks will only get you so far, and Hannah didn’t rely on them. She was smart, hard-working, committed and innovative. After taking a meaningful trip to Eastern Europe, she defied expectations by raising $50,000 to take ten other UCLA on a similar trip the next year. These trailblazers led seders in Russia and the Ukraine and brought fresh blood to a Jewishly anemic corner of the diaspora. Hannah lived her philosophy of Jewish communal service in her personal life.

A lot of people who lose siblings find that they become more like their sibling after their death. In the past two years, I have definitely followed Hannah’s lead – both deliberately and unconsciously. One thing that’s happened is that I have made an effort to become the organized person she was.

Hannah didn’t wallow in perfectionism. She analyzed a project, determined what could be simplified and then set to work on her tasks. She was famous for finding time to make Shabbat dinner for 12 people despite being in grad school and working almost full time. (And working out.) I remember once coming over on a Friday afternoon before services to help her put the finishing touches on her apartment before dinner – I came across a to-do list for that week that planned out what and when she had to do things. One of the things on her grocery list was a package of pre-grated cheese. A food snob and obsessive homemade warrior, I turned up my nose at the idea of pre-grated cheese. (In fact, I didn’t even know they made it until I saw it on her list!) That list has stuck in my mind, because Hannah’s efficiency wasn’t borne out of a desire to be the best at anything, or to impress people. She had goals, and she wanted to accomplish them.

One of Hannah’s most important goals outside of her professional life was to weave a community for herself. When I was 15 and Hannah was 13, our father, our Papa, died of AIDS. I had already left for prep school two years earlier, and I think that was probably about the time that Hannah started taking community-building seriously for herself. I will never forget hearing her say “your friends are your family, Rebecca.” She used pre-grated cheese so that she could spend those 30 minutes with the people she loved at dinner instead of obsessing over the perfect quiche.

Even people who did not know Hannah well were touched by her – some even after her death. I mourn Hannah’s loss every day, but I do know that the person I lost was a treasure to so many people and a true inspiration. I still meet people all the time who knew her in some tangential way and miss her presence on this earth. There is no doubt that the 500 people at her funeral ached to know she was gone too young.

When Hannah was little, I used to tease her that she looked like a boy. Our parents liked to dress us in matching clothes like twins, which drove me crazy because I just wanted to be an individual. But of course as we got to be adults, looking alike became fun. We reveled in the attention, and truly cherished our unique relationship. Long before Hannah died, she became one of the first things I thanked God for in my daily prayers. I knew what I had, and having lost Papa, I knew to be thankful for it.

During the course of the past two years, I have gone through many different philosophies in an attempt to understand Hannah’s death. There were times when I thought that her death represented a veering off-course of this world, signaling that we are doing something wrong. There have been times when I wondered whether life is totally random. Perhaps Hannah’s death was fated or ordained by God for some purpose. None of these explanations has held up under scrutiny. What I do believe is that each of us is here on this earth to do something. Sometimes our grief blocks us. When we are sad, we must sit with that sadness and express it to the people we trust. Hannah’s death created an enormous amount of sadness. But it also spurred an urgency in many people including myself, to make a meaningful life that is unique to our gifts and strengths. To honor Hannah’s life, we must become more fully ourselves.

Goodbye Ian

Last night Julia took me to hear her friend's band play at the Troubadour here in LA.

I had just gotten off a seemingly endless flight from New York, and for me it was already 1:45 am, so going out wasn't exactly first on my list of things to do, but I figured, I'm in LA to figure out whether I want to live here, so I should try everything, right?

Goodbye Ian was fantastic. There's Doug, the lead singer, an exuberant golden boy. He plays the keyboard and the guitar, although this was stifled somewhat at his announcement that the day before, he had fallen off his skateboard. There's a blissed-out singer (Kerstin?) who also plays electric cello. Another singer/keyboardist/accordian player, a fantastic drummer, a very skilled violinist and an affable bassist.

The music is danceable, the lyrics clever and un-self-conscious.

Definitely check them out if you can!

As I watched the lead singer hop and dance around the stage, I thought to myself - that's what I need to do more of - be free and fearless and musical. That's what ease with oneself an actor needs. Turns out he IS an actor - he's the son on "Big Love."

And that's LA.

Fess up, RC

Remember when you were a little kid and you did something wrong, and then before you knew what was happening, someone caught you? You started to equivocate, tell little white lies, split hairs, change your story. The most obvious thing about your guilt was the way you squirmed in your chair, and your voice went all over the place looking for the exit.

We all know that exit is the truth. The only way to get out of the situation you were in was to accept that you were going to be punished, and then be brave and admit it.

It is really pathetic watching Roger Clemens act like a befuddled little five year-old in front of the Congressional Committee. His guilt is written all over his Good-Old-Boy retellings.

Obama after all

Until the last few hours before the New York primary, I was on the fence. I love Hillary Clinton. I think she's a brilliant, powerful, determined, admirable woman. I think she would make an excellent President. All this false debate about whether she is for change? She has been making important changes in the Senate since she was elected, and before that, she was a pioneer since her early years in college and law school. Her problem is that she's a woman in an extremely misogynist culture. There are countries that we high-minded Americans like to think of as the "third world" where a woman has already held the highest office in the land. But as soon as Hillary wielded the tiniest bit of power alongside Bill, detractors set to work undermining her - the hairstyles, the baking. I'm sure it goes without saying that those things would NEVER have come up if she were male.

So why did I vote for Barack Obama? Unlike all my misty-eyed friends (and I do love you all) I don't actually *like* him that much. He's kind of cocky. But let's face it, he does not inspire the antipathy that Hillary does. The "vast right-wing conspiracy" is no joke - they hate her and they would mortgage their houses to see her go down. Because hating powerful women is still ok, even though we've figured out that racism is wrong.

I look forward to the first Black President. I look forward to the first woman President. I look forward to a time in our country when we will actually be able to tackle the issues that plague us. I voted for Barack in the primary, and I'll vote for either one of them in November. And hopefully we will stop the shameful backslide to the dark ages we've experienced in the last seven years.

Papercut in Memory of Hannah

I made this papercut in memory of Hannah. It's her Hebrew name in the center with a pomegranate below, representing the vast kernels of her diverse soul. And of course vines of life everywhere.

leaving for LA

I've been talking about moving to LA since college, so it might have seemed like an inevitability, but every time I go anywhere, I think I want to move there. (I'm suggestible, would probably be the polite term for my fickle geographical commitments.)

When I got back from Europe and Africa last summer, I didn't think I wanted to live in New York anymore. I had fallen in love in Croatia, wanted to settle down in Berlin or Budapest...I didn't know what was good for me, and I wandered about. Pretty soon after returning home to New York, I met Joe. Then, this past December we traveled to Berlin together and my longings started all over again. I talked his ear off about how badly I wanted to move there. And when we got back to New York, I realized: my love affair is not yet over, I will probably always love New York, but it's time for me to try something new.

This is so difficult. I am leaving an amazing community of friends and the whole life I have built in the last 8 years. But I have to see what is waiting for me in LA - will I be happier there? I hope so.

Atonement

I saw the film last night. Read the book beforehand.

First of all, I thought the film was basically a good adaptation of the book. The screenplay is pretty tight, the acting is good, they certainly pulled out all the stops with cinematography, sets, costumes, locations, etc.

Briony feels that she is really the one who has kept Cecilia and Robbie apart. I agree - what she did was certainly wrong and the class-based society that assumes Robbie is guilty is problematic. But what I felt more than anything was how war destroys everyone's life. I am used to examining World War II in the context of the Holocaust and how it affected Jews. But this film really shows how deeply affected the British were by the war, how devastating it was not only for soldiers who saw and experienced horrific deaths, injuries and conditions, and also for the nurses who cleaned it all up and put on a calm, collected air in the face of things they had never imagined. And the average citizen, evacuated, or worse, bombed in London.

The word tragedy has become so commonplace, but the more I learn about war, the more I believe it is a tragedy made up of millions of individually tragic stories. Sometimes we only value the worst tragedies, so we focus on the most extreme things we have heard of, but a great love torn apart by war is indeed a tragedy whose importance should not be diminished. I believe that love is the most important thing in this world.

Hannah's Second Yartzheit

It's still so hard to believe that Hannah has a yartzheit.

I have so many questions, many of which will never be answered. Why did this happen? Will I be able to survive life without her? Is there any meaning to life, does everything turn out for the best?

The pain of missing Hannah definitely ebbs and flows now that it has been a while. When she first died, I remember feeling so much pain, everything set me off. Every time the train pulled into the 96th Street station where we would always meet up to go downtown, I would burst into tears. I go there every day, so that pain has diminished. Or at least I had thought so. The other day, I was huddled into my puffy coat (really Hannah's) and the train pulled into the station, and I realized, I'm in as much pain now as I ever was. I miss her from a place in my chest that contracts in agony thinking about her. It's just that the novelty has worn off. There's nothing new or interesting about my pain now. It's repetitive. I miss her. Why did this happen? 25 years old. No meaning, no purpose, no sense. The obvious swirls around me, and others don't know what to say in response, so I've pretty much stopped saying it. But it doesn't change the pain. In fact, as anyone knows who keeps something inside, it probably hurts more now.

After that initial month, I had the briefest sense of relief. I had survived Shloshim. I began putting on makeup again, shaved my legs. I would be ok. Then my mind finally recognized reality: Hannah would not be coming back. My month of agony wasn't a penance that would allow her to return. In fact, her death wasn't personal. She didn't die as a punishment for me - if so, how to explain the pain everyone else felt? I couldn't find any reason to explain her death. And I began to live in a new world. An irrational world with no explanations, no answers and no peace. When Hannah had been alive, even if we were in a fight, we would still say we loved each other before we went to bed or got off the phone or said goodbye. We knew from losing Papa suddenly that you don't always get a second chance to say something, and that pride was no reason to spend a lifetime regretting something. And now the precious treasure I thanked God for in every Amidah was gone.

I wish I had some brilliant understanding of Hannah's life and death. Unfortunately what I feel more than anything is a vast desert around me, with mirages of happiness that don't seem meant for me. And the bubbly, no-nonsense girl who wowed everyone with her varied spectrum of talents, interests, wisdom and beauty? She's a story, a word that makes normal people hush in discomfort. In an instant, the Hannah who cultivated joy and decisiveness became a reason for sadness and questioning.

Boo-hoo! Writers strike cancels Golden Globes

But the upside is I won't be staying up all night waiting to hear which film won Best Drama. (I'm still reading the book so I can't see Keira's wet body yet!)

Shooting Open/Shut - my latest film

I am working on "Open/Shut" by the Italian director Fabrizio Schepisi. It's a great opportunity for me and very close to my heart because I play a character whose older brother has died in a plane crash. It's an emotional challenge but extremely rewarding and important. My younger brother is played by Alex Jacovelli. Hopefully I'll have some shoot stills soon!

Kevin Kline's Makeup Chair

Last night we went to see the penultimate performance of Cyrano de Bergerac with Kevin Kline in the title role. Not surprisingly, he was excellent. His movements were as agile as his speech. An unbeatable swordfighter and a poet.

The theme of honor ran through the play - first, the "fop" from Scene 1 would rather duel with Cyrano than lose face after being criticized by him. Later, Cyrano doesn't tell Roxane that he was writing Christian's letters because he doesn't want to spoil the idea she had of her perfect husband. Roxane herself clings to honor as she mourns her unconsummated marriage for the next 15 years after Christian's death. Understandably, her chaste life in a convent was snipped from the Steve Martin version we all enjoyed years ago.

When someone we love dearly dies, it can be so hard to reintegrate. The romance of loving a dead person is so unmarred. It's the gritty annoyances of daily life with our living loved ones that grounds us in reality and keeps us from idealizing them. There is a certain kind of honor associated with putting a deceased person on a pedestal - not wanting to speak ill of the dead, for example.

But the honor Cyrano's contemporaries felt was more the kind of honor that Dinah's brothers used to justify killing the men who raped her, or the "honor killings" in the Islamic world. This seems to me a far cry from the natural state of things.

I prefer the honorable nature that Kevin Kline demonstrated after the curtain call: A member of the cast had lost everything during the week to a disastrous fire, so to help recover the costs, Kevin auctioned off his makeup chair, which the whole cast signed onstage, to the highest bidder - $3000.