Blue Cliff Monastery

I spent the last five days doing sitting and walking meditation, listening to dharma talks with Thich Nhat Hanh and learning from the monks and nuns of Blue Cliff, Deer Park and Plum Village Monasteries.

This experience was so powerful. I resisted it for the first 24 hours or so - too much to do at home, didn't like the cold weather in my tent and so much outdoor time (sitting meditation, dharma talks, meals - all outside in very chilly climes). At my first "dharma sharing group" I debated in my mind whether to share that I was actually not having a very good time. Most of the people in my group were feeling blissful, peaceful, grateful to be there, and I felt like a nasty grump for wishing things were different. I thought to myself, why bother telling these people how I feel? They won't understand and they will just think that I am a complainer; someone who only focusses on the negative. But I figured, I can say it for myself, and for anyone who might be too shy to say what they really think. And through my honesty, I learned something. I began to feel hopeful that I had the potential to make a true change in myself.

In "touching the earth" I learned from Sister Chun Khong about the qualities we inherit from our ancestors, and how we must acknowledge both the positive and the negative. I realized that I have never dealt with my relationship with my father since the day he died - I pretty much locked it away and assumed that since he was dead, my relationship with him was over. But I learned that Papa is not really dead. He is manifesting himself differently now. So I must explore the spectrum of him. I can thank him for the wonderful gifts he has given me and pour the negatives into the earth to purify myself.

Imagining that Hannah is not dead, but is now a different manifestation of herself is a challenging but somewhat liberating notion. I may discover new things about Hannah even though I can no longer speak to her and sit with her the way I used to. I am thinking a lot about the elements that came together to produce Hannah and where those elements are now that she has changed manifestations. This doesn't mean I am not devastated to have lost her physical manifestation, nor that I am not questioning why it had to happen. But I am open to a new phase in my life, that I have not chosen but is nevertheless my reality.